When is the right time to move my mom?

First of all, I’m so sorry you have to go through this, too.

I chose to have my mother moved into a memory care facility when she was still verbal, mobile, able to use the restroom on her own, and able to dress herself. The only persisting symptom at the time was her memory loss of people, not being able to assess and weigh risk, and just forgetting what was food and what was not. We were afraid of her wandering as she no longer had access to her car, and she needed 24/7 supervision. She lived in her own home where her brother and his family lived on the second floor. But they could not watch her as much as she required, and I could not get her to move in with me. And later, she became too aggressive anyhow so she’d force feed my at the time 4 year old and try to feed my pets (a dog and cat) things like chocolate. The only option was to get her into a home. Of course it’s had its pros and cons of doing it at that stage. She was aware she was not in her home and when we’d visit it would be just her yelling at us to get her back home. We were advised not to visit for awhile and to let her acclimate. After about 2 months or so, she did a LOT better. Was still annoyed we didn’t take her home, but she forgot quickly what we argued about. And could not tell how long it had actually been with her away from home. I had immense guilt. My family came at me a lot for my decision, but no one else wanted to step up. I had quit my job and spent the majority of the time tending to her rather than my own child. Being a caregiver is all consuming, especially when you’re the only one.

Now that my mother is totally dependent, I’m glad she’s already been acclimated to the place since before she deteriorated this far. She views it a lot more like her safe space based on her behavior in the past year- and everyone knows her better too as they were able to meet her before she became non verbal. I don’t regret my decision, but I do wish we didn’t have to make the decision at all! My mental health has improved significantly since she’s been at the memory care facility. I felt, and feel, like now I can finally just be her daughter again rather than a caregiver/parent.

I’m so sorry, it’s so hard. I cried for weeks after I placed my dad. We’ve all been there.

You have to do what is best for both of you. Going days without sleep while providing 24/7 care is not sustainable. You are also putting your own health at risk, both physical and mental. Your mom would not want that, she would tell you this if she could.

It will be hard at first but the pain will ease. Once you see your mother adjusting you will feel better. I agree that it’s best to do so sooner rather than later. You’re still taking care of her, just in a different role. It’s not failing her, it’s caring for her by doing what’s best.

I’m in a very similar situation. My Mom is quite a bit younger at 79. She is very physically active with no significant health issues other than Alzheimer’s. My Dad passed away almost 7 months ago and it was quite obvious that allowing her to remain at home was not a good idea. She lived with us in our home from the time that my Dad was hospitalized until Tuesday. I am an only child and had no help/input from anyone other than my husband and children and their spouses. I have the same genetic concerns that you have - her Mom and a cousin both had dementia/Alzheimer’s. I have a very technical job and have worked from home since Covid. I just could not keep up with her needs and the amount of oversight and intervention that she requires throughout the day. I also wanted her in AL before moving to MC if possible. I want her to get familiar with her new home and the staff and want the staff to get to know her and what is normal for her.

The biggest issues that we’ve had over the last few days are ones that I’m hoping will get better with time. She’s having issues figuring out the TV. They have DishTV rather than Comcast. We’ll have to work on that one. She doesn’t like the coffee (Keurig to the rescue! I should have it today.) or the soda (I’ll stock her up with some that she does like). She does seem to enjoy the social interaction throughout the day though and leaves her room often to participate in activities. I think that the move would have been easier if we had done it earlier. It feels wonderful to just be able to breathe again.

I wouldn’t say that I feel guilty. I feel horrible that this has happened to her and that she is in the position that she’s in. I didn’t cause it though and there is nothing that I can do that will change the outcome. I deserve to have a life. I took her with me to look at facilities and she chose where she wanted to live. My involvement doesn’t end here. Along with visiting her and making sure that she is well cared for, taking her to Dr appointments, etc I still have her finances, house, car, my Dad’s truck, etc to deal with. I’m doing the best that I can with what I have to work with. That’s really all that anyone can ask or expect of me.