Stubbornness has double down!

Jewels85

My 75 year old father has vascular dementia. He lives on a farm with my elderly mother and has taken care of things around the house his whole life. His stubbornness has gotten worse as his dementia has progressed. He refuses to give up the keys to his tractor or to stop using chainsaws and other dangerous tools. I've taken the step of removing the chainsaws from his property, but I'm nervous about what this may mean to my mom who is his main caregiver. I don't want him to get aggressive towards her. He is highly agitated and argumentative towards anything out of the norm. Did I do the right thing? How can I protect my mother as his dementia progresses and more changes become necessary for him?

M1

Welcome to the forum Jewels. There are others here who are farm dwellers including me, and this became a huge issue for my partner and me before she went to memory care a year ago. Guns, tractors, chainsaws, toxic chemicals--it's very difficult to dementia-proof a farm. I have never been a gun person, and my partner grew up shooting rattlesnakes in Texas and was in fact a crack shot. She had several rifles and a shotgun and a couple of handguns; she would shoot armadillos in our front yard with the rifle (only once a rattlesnake) and would kill other injured animals with the .22. A loner most of her life, she used to sleep with a loaded handgun on her bedside table. It took me a long time to convince her to buy a gun safe, but we did, and then I hid the keys. She didn't notice when I just took the handguns away. The tractor was the least of my concerns. What landed her in memory care was threatening me when I took the keys to the pickup truck away. She was constantly overfeeding our pets and I wouldn't let her drive to go get more cat food that we didn't need.

I wish I had easy answers but I don't. Trying to hire help at home in a rural area was also a complete bust. Which is why she ended up in memory care, and is still very unhappy about it. I can't talk to her about the farm; she now doesn't remember where home is, and I am fearful that if I bring it up it will only upset her. I guess my best practical suggestion would be to think ahead about what care options are near them. Is he a veteran? Can they afford private memory care? If not, have you taken steps to see about qualifying him for long-term Medicaid? Good luck.