Struggling with my stress

caroap

Hi. I’m new to this group. My father passed away a few years ago. He had Alzheimer’s. We had full time live in care for him. Last year my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia. She is getting worse rapidly. She has a flat that is part of an independent living community. However she is now struggling to live independently but won’t accept that. I am struggling emotionally with trying to organise her life and care. She is adamant she doesn’t need help - but she clearly does. For example often she can’t remember if she’s eaten. I have power of attorney so could take full control and arrange more care - but I don’t really want to take charge in that way and arrange things against her wishes. The stress is now affecting my health so I cannot go on line this but don’t know what to do. I’m verging on tears all day and it has got to the stage where I now dread talking to my mum.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

I am sorry you are living this nightmare a second time. Do you hold a durable or springing POA? Can you act now, or do you have to get a physician to sign off on competency?

I feel like some of the stress you are feeling would be mitigated-- or perhaps replaced with another kind-- if you thought about this differently. When she was of sounder mind and having lived through the dementia of her spouse, you mom chose you to act on her behalf if and when that became necessary. She picked you and in doing so obligated you to act in her best interests.

This won't be easy. It sounds as if she has some anosognosia and is unaware of the changes in her memory and cognition which means this isn't a situation where you can reason with her. You'll likely need to create some sort of ruse to get her the help she needs.

HB

caroap

Thank you. I have what is known in the UK as a “lasting” POA.

Mum is aware her memory is very bad. However when I talk to her about arranging more care she gets angry and says she won’t let carers in. I feel as if I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know for her physical health I should get her more help but am worried that will impact negatively on her mental health. She will also be very angry and upset with me (although after a day or 2 she may have forgotten to be angry with me!).

harshedbuzz

@caroap Does the lasting POA obligate you to protect her?

Three concerns I would have would be:

1. Her being scammed by a bad actor.
2. Her safety around things like cooking or wandering.
3. Her social well-being. Many PWD in senior housing can be bullied by older ladies who don't have dementia and don't particularly want to interact with those who do.

MN Chickadee

Could you come up with a fib she might accept, even if it takes some time? Maybe the caregiver is a friend down on hard times and you're helping her out by paying he to do some chores. Or you "gifted" her a cleaning lady for her birthday and the person starts with just cleaning and slowly starts adding more services, or it's a nursing student who needs contact hours with the elderly and you're really helping her out by letting her come be with you etc. And sometimes we jut need to accept our LO will be angry with us when we do what needs to be done to protect them. I had to put up with much ire and irritability from my mother, it's a normal part of having a LO with dementia unfortunately.

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mommyandme (m&m)

Time is of the essence. Later probably won’t be easier. If you start soon and find one or two caregivers that stick and can build a relationship with mom and you now, it will be better for everyone as her disease progresses. The “fiblets” MN Chickadee proposed are great ways to introduce someone into the home. Soon maybe you can get some respite relief you desperately need.

I do hope you can find a solution and some relief soon. I’m so sorry for your losses.

jjoyce3

I am struggling with the same thing as my dad has been recently diagnosed with Vascular dementia; hes very mean, easily agitated, no flight of ideas, thinks he can walk in to peoples yards, get into other peoples cars, do whatever he wants. He is living with me, my husband and I are going crazy with all of this. I feel your pain.

SusanB-dil

@jjoyce3 Hi jjoyce - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. You are replying to an older thread, but a lot of what has been posted is relevant. MIL has Vasc and alz, and it is not easy.

Do you have DPOA and HIPAA accesses - very important. Do tell his doctor about the agitation, as there are meds that can help without making him 'zombied'.

You can call the alz line, and also search other threads for more insight and ideas for some assistance.

jjoyce3

I am conservator/guardianship via court, judge stamped, etc. and HIPAA.