So stressed

Daughter 2 Ben

Hi everyone, I’m brand new here. I joined today because I feel like I’m approaching a crossroads and I need guidance. My father is 85 and last year, after a neuropsych evaluation, we were told he has Alzheimer’s. He was told at that time that he needed to get his affairs in order and seek AL. He has allowed me to take over his finances, but other than that he keeps driving (although now sticks close to home), gets very upset when I talk about AL and moving closer to me, and he refuses to allow help into his home. I live several hours away from him and I can’t keep taking time off work, time away from my kids, to take him to doctor appointments (that he just gets mad I made for him). Basically, he was always angry and controlling when I was a kid and he’s refusing to listen to me as an adult. My mother passed away many years ago so things all fall on me. I don’t want to have him declared incompetent but I’m starting to feel like it’s going to be the only way to get him into AL/MC. Today alone I have fielded two very angry phone calls from him. I handled them well today but I have to admit that sometimes when he comes after me I react poorly. Sorry for rambling. I just feel like this situation is hopeless.

Quilting brings calm

Sometimes, however bad it makes us feel, we have to wait for a crisis and allow the medical authorities to step in. They can arrange placement a lot easier than we can. At some point he will end up in the hospital. Or you will need to call 911 for your own safety because he becomes combative. at that time you repeat this mantra- it is not safe for him to go home. It is not safe for him to come to my home - I cannot take care of him. Then you continue to refuse to take him home.

Does his state allow family members to report him to the DMV for unsafe driving? Mine does not. Here only a doctor or law enforcement can do so. And doctors don’t want to get involved.

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Daughter 2 Ben

Both concerns about his driving I share. I’m not sure about his state and the reporting for unsafe driving.

I took over his finances because he put me on his bank accounts after my Mom died and I also do have POA. I found he was giving to a lot of questionable charities and he was getting overwhelmed with mail. He does have access to his accounts but I am not concerned he’s going to do anything. He’s not a spender.

I have not seen an elder law attorney. Would I do that in my state or his?

Emily 123

Hi,

I think it would be easiest to see an elder law attn'y that's convenient to you, since you are POA. My two cents: Your dad has possibly forgotten about his visit to the physicians. That can work to your advantage. I would ask his doctor to put something in writing to the effect that it's their recommendation that he stop driving. If you get pushback consider if the car needs to 'go to the shop' for a recall (but actually out of sight or sold) -then deploy the fiblet that they're waiting on the part. Others have removed their loved one's car battery or switched in old car keys to replace the current ones. And here's another task for his physician- while the anger may be because of his losses, it should still be assessed and managed before he goes to AL.

Read the document Victoria linked to. You will have to stop seeking his agreement and change your approach (it's really hard). Likely he has anosognosia, which is the inability to recognize the losses the disease has caused. Discussions about dementia and moving to AL are a trigger for him that ends up with you getting a tongue lashing. Well, that anger doesn't help either of you, so stop discussing any of that or his diagnosis with him, and give yourself a break. The goal now is to meet him in his reality as much as you can. Just agree with him, but get things done in the background. Reminding him of his diagnosis, or trying to make him see logic about a move will be futile. We all want autonomy, and it stinks to have to take that away from our parents, but at this point he can't use reasoning to plan his future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

You will have to do the heavy lifting in terms of picking AL facilities, selling his car and house, etc, because he can't make decisions anymore-it's too complex for him, and he doesn't have the memory available to make choices. That doesn't mean he has to be told that he didn't make those decision--my mom is firm in her opinion that she picked her AL because she can't imagine NOT doing the choosing, and I just keep telling her it was the one she liked best because of features XYZ. Good luck--thee are lots of threads about how others made the move.

harshedbuzz

@Daughter 2 Ben

You need to see a CELA asap. The POA you already have may be all you need to take the steps to act; a CELA can vet the document for you. If not, you can begin guardianship proceeding since it doesn't seem he's going to willing submit to the changes needed to keep him safe.

When my aunt obtained emergency guardianship of her sister, she did the emergency and initial permanent guardianship in the state in which her sister was a resident. Once that was done, she went through the process in the state where she wanted to move her to make it easier for her to supervise care. When a friend obtained guardianship of his dad, he did so only once. My aunt's guardianships went smoothly. My friend's was gnarlier as dad had enough cognitive reserve to hire his own attorney and fight. The son did prevail. It was weird because dad was living in a carriage house on my friend's property and continued to have dinner at the main house and go to his grands' games and activities.

On today's to-do list should be a call to his insurance agent. His policy may not cover him with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's in his medical history. Whether he's a spender or not, if he causes and accident and is sued, he could lose everything and have no assets to fund care. A lot of folks focus on "Taking away the keys" or "turning in the license"; IMO it's best to disappear the car. If your POA allows it, get it out of there and tell him it's in the shop for a recall awaiting parts. Rinse and repeat.

You say he's not a spender, but he's probably being targeted by shady "charities" who are selling his contact information. It might make sense to have his mail forwarded to a PO box you empty when you visit or forwarded to your house. My dad wasn't a spender, but he did manage to day-trade away $350K in investments while my mom fought with me about his internet access. You might want to monitor his internet use if he has a computer or smart phone.

HB

KC James

Daughter to Ben

You are not alone in your journey. My story sounds much like yours. I am waiting for 2 doctors letters to activate my Dad's DPOA . Seen the docs and got one note one script and a verbal from the other. I have sent an email to the doctors ... awaiting a reply.

My sister lives out of state and trusts me with decisions. My problem is that I have no support from my husband. He wants me to have him call her to answer his questions. He gets upset that I go to doctors appointments with him. Heck I can't even vent to him. I wait for him to go to work then I have a good cry and try not to feel like a total failure because I lack a backbone.

I come here because I see other people in my same situation. There is tons of good advice on here.

It is so hard to watch our loved ones suffer,

I am going to try and go to my local ALZ Association and speak to a real person from my area.

I can't put off him living by himself and still driving. He needs AL/MC but is hesitant to go. Pretty soon he won't have a choice in the matter.

Thanks everyone on this site..you matter.

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Jedwalker00

My dad lives with my husband and I. We had the same problem with him refusing to stop driving. In Georgia, I was able to report him anonymously online and they sent him a letter in the mail that had to be filled out by his doctor. I spoke with his doctor prior to taking him to the appointment so they knew what to do. Once that was done my dad received a notification from the DMV that his license was being suspended. He blamed it all on the doctor and did not give us a hard time about it. Every so often he forgets that he can't drive anymore but playing good cop /bad cop worked out well for us. I hope this helps you. Please know that you are not alone in this journey. We feel your pain :(