Aggressive and abusive behavior

Ms.Sniper

My step-dad has been showing signs for years but has not been diagnosed since he won't go to a doctor. This past year, he has become very aggressive with me like punching and slamming me into doors. I try to show empathy but It seems to make it worse. The only recourse is to stay away from him but he will seek me out to pick on me. He never physically harms anyone else, only me. Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated.

M1

welcome to the forum. So--is your mother his primary caregiver? Are you sure he is not being abusive to her, too? If he's a danger to anyone, he needs evaluation urgently--he could turn on your mother in a heartbeat. She needs to have a "safe room" where she can lock herself in if necessary, and she should never be without a cell phone to call for help. She should not hesitate--nor should you--to call 911 if necessary.

Many people, including my partner who is now in memory care, have to have psychiatric hospitalizations to be stabilized on medication to prevent aggression. This required that I use my powers of attorney for her. Does your mother--or anyone--have power of attorney for him? She--or both of you--may need to consult an elder law attorney to get this arranged and to see what the options are. If he is not able or willing to sign a power of attorney, guardianship may have to be pursued, which is more expensive and complicated.

I wish you well and I'm sorry you are going through this, but this forum is a good place for support and education.

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here but glad you found this place.

It sounds as if you are a trigger for him for some reason. This happens with dementia sometimes. It could be he thinks you are someone else or is suspicious that you are doing something harmful to him. If this is the case, it's best to stay away. If you live there, you may need to make other arrangements. Where's mom in all this? Does she agree this is a problem? Does she realize that sometimes this behavior escalates to include other victims. Dad and I never got along, but he mostly behaved around my DH and DS until his social filter dropped in the early middle stages. He also rounded on my mom a few times. Has the house been cleared of anything that can be weaponized? Guns, knives, bats, gold clubs, etc.

In your shoes I would (and did) document this behavior (a recording on your cell phone) to show to his doctor for medication management assuming mom is on board. Another option would be to call 911 and have him transported to an ER with a geripsych ward for an admission and medication adjustment.

HB

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Ms.Sniper

Thank you all for the helpful info. I will be calling his doctor and discussing it with him. He seems fine 90 percent of the time and I am staying away for the most part as I seem to be the only one he attacks. I try to comfort him with words but that only seems to make him angrier so I just go home. He has accused me of taking money from their account when he took it himself and forgot. It is so disturbing and sad. I definitely will reach out to a lawyer at my mom's request. Thank you all so very much. I am sure this won't be the last time I reach out for advice and I am so grateful to have found this type of support with open arms willing to offer suggestions. Thank you again.

harshedbuzz

@Ms.Sniper

OK, so you don't live there. That's good.

FWIW, the suspicion and paranoia is pretty garden variety stuff. In a way it's great that it's not focused on your mom right now. One of the super common paranoia tropes is the husband with dementia who is having affairs behind his back. Often these accusations can be quite graphic and very upsetting for the victim.

When you say you try to comfort him with words, are you making the rookie mistake (we've all done it) of either defending yourself or trying to explain what really happened? Because that always makes it so much worse because in his reality, you really did the crime and trying to convince him otherwise will feel like gaslighting.

The usual advice is to apologize. I, personally, found this really hard because we never had a good relationship and this accusatory behavior wasn't all that new to me. Dad got stuck on me selling his house for $360K less than it was worth because I never liked the house (true) and was stupid. Later, when I did a deep dive into dad's investments, I discovered he'd lost that amount day-trading online. Some of that money had been left to him to grow for my late sister's 2 minor children and I am sure he felt horrible about it in moments of clarity early on.

One visit when he was particularly wound up, I made a video recording for his geri psych who didn't want to increase his antipsychotic medication because dad seemed great in the office. Once I got the performance I needed to get the increased dosage, I tried the advice to apologize to see what might happen. It worked. I didn't expect that it would, but I said "I'm sorry for losing you that money and I won't do it again" and he calmed down and accepted it. I wish I'd tried it sooner. This was an ugly phase of the disease. Once he progressed a bit further, he was actually easier in many respects.

HB