Need advice! Mom recently moved to MC and hates it!

harbene

Hello! I'm looking for some help. My 85 yr old mother with dementia moved into MC after after a 2 week stay in the Geripsych unit at our local hospital. She was taken there very much against her will by brother while I was out of the country. She has macular degeneration very bad and has very poor vision. This poor vision has led to hallucinations that were becoming unmanageable. She wasn't sleeping or eating and adamantly believed the hallucinations were real. While in Geripsych she was diagnosed with dementia and we were told she couldn't live alone any more. We were not surprised by the diagnosis and moved her into a MC 10 minutes from my house. 40 from my brother. We are both POA. Having mom move in with either of us wasn't a possibility- which of course I feel guilt about.

The MC is lovely- as lovely as it can be. It has a wonderful reputation in our area and most importantly the care is good- not perfect but very good. The staff really cares, I have no concerns there.

Mom has been there about 2 months and she seems to be getting more and more depressed. She alternates between crying about not being able to go home to her house and yelling at me and my brother because we did this to her. She completely blames us not matter how many times we explain what is happening. That she is not safe on her own and the doctors made this decision, not us. She insists on getting a lawyer to get her out of there. We did have a lawyer friend of the family come talk to her and she completely discounted it.

She is on Remeron for depression and Risperdrone for hallucinations. She has told me many times she wishes she were dead., which I immediately told the staff about. It's heartbreaking to watch, and I truly don't know how to help her. We've tried to encourage her to talk to others and get involved but some days she just stays in her room and cries. She's very limited to what she can do because of her poor vision, no reading, sewing or knitting.

She can also be very mean to me and say things I never thought I would hear her say. Some days I have to cut the visit short because I can't stand the verbal abuse anymore and I leave in tears (not that she has seen). I understand this can be normal and I try to remember it's not my mom, but it hurts anyway! She is upset with my brother too and he get's his fair share, but I seem to get the brunt of it.

Any advice on handling this all? How can I help her accept she is never going home without crushing her? How can I handle the times she yells? How can I help her adjust?

Thank you in advance! I'm grateful for this site- reading other posts has already helped me!

M1

Welcome to the forum harbene. My partner of 30 years is now in her second year of MC and has also had a very hard time adjusting. Fiercely independent and a loner, living in a group setting is just not something she accommodates to with any ease. She does not have vision problems and is not delusional (yet), but it has been and remains pretty difficult. She hates group activities, group meals, will befriend staff but not other residents.

One suggestion: quit trying to explain or reason with her, it won't get you anywhere, as you're finding out. Her reasoner is broken, as they say here. I wouldn't tell her it's permanent, either. She may have little sense of time (that is true for my partner and is somewhat of a mercy). We've had some success lately with telling her she is there for therapy on her very bad back (true in part, as they are doing PT and OT). She has no clue how long she's been there, and so far has been somewhat accepting of that explanation--though every day including today she tells me she is through and ready to leave tomorrow.

there are others here whose loved one's do eventually adjust. There are just so many variables. But I would not try to talk to her about it, and if it means that you don't visit often or at all for a while, so be it. I had to go nearly all year last year with seeing her very rarely, I could not visit by myself at all. That at least has changed since we moved to a different facility at the end of April this year.

I wish you well, none of this is easy.

Kchili

Hello! I just joined this forum, as my brother & I just moved our mom away from our home town to where I live, as we were able to find AL nicer and more affordable. She was agitated and wanted to leave when she was in her hometown, now it's worse. She was in sales and very chipper and happy before the onset of dementia. This is excruciating to watch. We want to keep her in AL for her independence and autonomy, but her behavior is qualifying her for MC. She has a little poodle that she won't be able to keep with her in MC, all she talks about is how much she loves her dog and how much she wants to get out of there. This is our 2nd year with dementia/Alzheimer's and the slide into depression anxiety delusion is alarming and so beyond difficult to watch. She doesn't accept that anything is wrong with her, she's not bathing and grooming and she used to be meticulous about her hygiene. She judges the appearance and condition of other residents, won't participate in activities. I can so relate to what you are going through. I wish I could offer some sort of solution or advice. I can only be in this scary same boat with you.

MN Chickadee

How is she when you are not there? Does the staff say whether she is agitated then? Does she participate in activities? Does she lash out at staff and other residents? If her agitation is getting in the way of the staff taking care of her I am guessing you would have heard about it. Sometimes those that are closest to the PWD are a trigger and we need to step back for a while during the person's transition to memory care. Some of us have had to stop visiting for long periods of time. In the early days I dropped off supplies and watched mom from afar so she wouldn't see me, visited with the staff to check on her status and well-being, but did not see her for weeks because every time I did it seemed to re-set her transition to her new life. I had to stay away for 2 months, but then was able to have visits and we had a few years of a very successful memory care experience. Is she still under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist? It could be she needs a med tweak if she does not improve in the next few months. The transition can take a while though. My mother was resistant and trying to escape from MC for 8-12 weeks. It can take a while.

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harbene

Thank you all for your comments. I truly appreciate the support.

The staff has not said mom is agitated when I am not there. They all say she is sweet, but depressed. She will participate in a few activities. mostly concerts and entertainers- which is great and we always encourage her involvement. She says she doesn't have anything in common with the other residents- they all like it there!

She is under the care of a geri-psychiatrist- I'm hoping for success there with her new meds. I understand they take time to take effect.

I will be gone for about 10 days in August on vacation with my family. My brother will be here holding down the fort. I am honestly looking forward to the break, even though I hate to admit it. At times it feels overwhelming as I know you have all experienced. It will be interesting to see how she does in my absence.

I am also going to check out the suggested YouTube videos!

Thank you so much!

mpwilliams

I'm in pretty much the same boat with my Mom. She's very angry with me (although not so much with my brother, or maybe I'm just interpreting that way) for doing this to her and has made a lot of threats. I'm going to check out those YouTube videos as well. Thanks for posting!