how to proceed with parent's care, disagreements within the family

lavenderfields11

Hello all, I'm new here and am in need of advice/support from others who understand what it’s like to care for a parent. My mother (60y/o) has been dealing with memory loss since 2019, she was diagnosed with mild cognitive decline at the time and has advanced significantly since. We are working with doctors to get an official diagnosis since she has not been seen by any doctors until about 6 months ago (her and her partner have been living in denial + their lack of knowledge of navigating the medical system has been a barrier). My mother lives full time with her partner; they are not married but have been together 15+ years. I’m in my mid-20s, live out of state, and do long-distance caregiving with managing her medical appointments and affairs.

My mother’s condition has advanced rapidly in the past year. She cannot complete tasks independently any longer and her behavior has greatly changed. She now has a caretaker during the day and her partner (75 y/o) takes care of her at night. She’s become increasingly angry and aggressive, having hit her caretaker and her partner multiple times. She says nasty things to them. She’s on medications but they are not helping with her cognitive decline or her behavior issues. She’s suffering.

Given her rapid decline and my concern for her safety to herself and others, I think it’s time to get her into MC/ a facility. Her partner is strongly opposed to this, as he believes she should be with family and he can take care of her “until he dies” - his words. There are some differing cultural beliefs that add to his perspective. Moreover, he works 7 days a week and is largely absent from the day to day. He was injured at work recently and just had surgery. His recovery is going to be minimum 3 months, probably longer. The caretaker is with my mom full-time but she is not prepared to deal with this all alone. The caretaker has voiced concern to me and my mom’s side of the family, but her partner is kind of manipulative and makes it so that no one can approach him. It’s an unhealthy dynamic of lack of communication, lies, and trying to maintain the status quo.

To add to this, he does not know that I have POA/ health directive. I’m trying to work with him to get my mom the care she needs without having to bring this up, as I know this will impact our relationship and he will be hurt that she did this without him knowing.

How do you all handle decision making when family members are in disagreement? I know that a facility is the best thing at this point for her, but I feel so guilty “taking her away from him”. I don’t know how to bring this conversation up with him in a way that allows him to work with me. I have a facility lined up and ready to go, but I don’t know when to pull the trigger. Any words of advice, encouragement, support would be greatly appreciated. I feel so torn about what to do and am trying to find clarity on next steps to support my mom. Thanks for reading.

M1

Welcome to the forum. This is very tough. Cultural differences acknowledged, are finances at play, too? If she no longer lives with him, will he have to move, either because he can't afford it or because his name is not on the lease or deed? Does he inherit from her when she dies? These are all questions that you need to consider and have the answers to as you proceed.

It does sound to me like it is in fact time to move her, for all kinds of reasons. However, are you sure that your facility of choice will accept her, given the history of aggression? She may need a change of medication and/or admission to a geriatric psychiatry facility for medication adjustment before they will take her. I wouldn't want to pull the trigger on her partner without having that clear ahead of time. A surprise rejection after assessment would really throw a monkey wrench at you.

I wish you all the best and am glad you have the POA. I'm sure others will chime in.

lavenderfields11

Thanks for your advice- finances are definitely at play. She lives with him at his residence and he does not inherit from her. So I'm more concerned about if something happens to him (like it did this past week), how will her situation remain stable. But yes, I hear you- lots to consider. It's definitely a possibility that if something happens to him, my mother would have to move (so kind of the opposite of what you shared). But he doesn't seem to have intentions of moving her unless his hand is forced.

But the history of aggression being a barrier to facility admittance is a good flag. This is a recent development, and we are waiting for a call back from her doctors to get guidance on how to adjust her meds. Appreciate your insight and support.