Trying to support an aggressive grandfather

Vex

I’ve been taking care of my great grandfather for almost two years, the rest of the household is too harsh to him and it causes problems. I cannot convince them to get him help. I am 20, cannot drive and have put everything aside to take care of a three person household. How can I help my grandfather who has gotten worse, especially in the past day or so. He’s gotten even more mean, and refuses to listen to anything no matter how patient I am with him. What can I even do?

SDianeL

Vex, what a wonderful great grandson you are to take this on. You didn't mention his age or whether he has been diagnosed with memory loss. If not, I would contact his primary care provider and explain what's going on and have him examined. The primary care provider can refer him to a Neurologist for testing for Alzheimer's or Dementia. Agitation & anger are common behaviors of people with memory loss. There are medications they can give him to help, depending on what type of memory loss he has. Also patience alone doesn't work with dementia. They can't reason because their "reasoner" is broken. If he is diagnosed, Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which will help you understand. There if lots of info on this website to help. You can also call the 24 hour Alzheimer's helpline for assistance: 800.272.3900

Is your great grandfather a veteran? If so, call the VA hospital in your area or search for a Veteran Service Officer in your County. Also try to get your great grandfather to sign a DPOA so you can make decisions for him. An Elder Care or Wills & Estate attorney can do that. He has to be able to read, understand and sign the document without your assistance. If not, the alternative is a Guardianship.

Please keep us posted.

ButterflyWings

Hi Vex, Bless you, and please don't take this the wrong way -- but I would not advise you to take this DPOA or guardianship role on formally at age 20. And I would not want my own adult children to do so. You have been helping A LOT, with so much that it really sounds like someone (or a small team) needs to begin handling. It is better suited to some of the adult children, siblings, or another person/group/staff with the time, resources, and legal responsibility in my opinion. (Which is only my opinion).

Most of us on these boards really encourage younger family members like yourself to keep some serious focus on themselves and building their future despite how much you love your great grandfather, because dementia caregiving is all consuming as you know, and only goes one way.

If he has had a sudden shift, it may be a silent Urinary Tract Infection, or UTI. Since you don't drive, there are lots of Sr services that can transport him and provide the medical care and some coverage -- sometimes there are Area Agency on Aging case managers who will come and talk with you (while actually assessing your LO), and can get you some help. But it sounds like a huge challenge with the anger and we caregivers can't help our LOs if we don't help ourselves first. It is just a fact of life.

Diane gave you some great advice to call the Alz free helpline and also to connect with the VA to get him an advocate who knows the law, options and resources in your area, and how to help you live your own life which is what any loving elders would want you to do if their thinking is not impaired by dementia, etc.