New here, looking for support

ClaireR

My mom has been on a steady cognitive decline over the past 2 years after a big fall and some medications she was placed on. We have not been given the diagnosis of Dementia due to the fact that she will not get tested and gets extremely angry when it is suggested. (She has always had anger issues and does not let anyone do anything to help her.) Recently, she believes she has to go to work (her place of employment closed over 10 years ago, she has been collecting retirement and social security). When we tell her that her work is all done, that she gets paid to stay at home, she gets angry because she believes no one looped her in on that. If we go along with it, she often remembers that she is retired and she gets angry that we lied to her. If we change the subject, she gets angry that we are not answering her and goes right back to it. In all scenarios, she gets herself worked up and nervous. Her blood pressure rises and she often makes herself get physically sick over it. We've had her old boss call her, write her emails and texts to let her know that she is okay, she does not have to worry and that the responsibility is no longer hers. That helps for about 10 minutes and she goes right back into it. I'm looking for support, is there anything anyone can give me for a tip or trick? Something to say that might take away the stress on her? I'm afraid she is going to cause herself to have a stroke and also that the constant repetition and fighting no matter what we say is going to cause my dad to have issues, as well.

danabid

This is all new to me as well but I understand what you are going through. We have to lie why he is going to the doctor. Some days are very difficult and he gets angry as well. I wish I had an answer for you.

M1

Welcome to the forum. It's futile to try to reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. She likely needs medication to tamp down the anxiety and anger, nothing else is likely to work. Noncommittal answers are likely best, such as "well we'll try to figure that out" or "im waiting on a call back."

Marta

Likely she will need medication to control this delusion ( fixed, false belief) which is making her and everyone around her miserable.

Ask her PCP for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. If none are available for a while, some PCPs will prescribe med ( e.g. Seroquel) to tide the PWD over until they can be seen.

Jfreya

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66847/new-here-looking-for-support

I'm sorry. That sounds really hard. We don't have a diagnosis for my dad, for multiple reasons. But we're still working on it and hope to have some actual answers next month. Meanwhile, I've found the advice on these boards complete back up what I've been thinking regarding my dad. The arguing, remembering things the way he remembers them (which is incorrect), being agitated and short in his communication, it's all there. Sounds like the frustration your mom is experiencing.

With your mom, I wonder if those around her could do anything with distraction? I mean she can't be distracted 24 hours/day, but maybe allowing less time for her thoughts to wander and wander off-track? Music, simple movies that aren't hard to follow, look at old family photos, anything that might be of some interest to her? Hope you find some relief. I agree with the others - you can't reason with her. Logic is not the solution. 😔 (And drugs. Maybe drugs.)

Vickie R

> @ClaireR said:
> My mom has been on a steady cognitive decline over the past 2 years after a big fall and some medications she was placed on. We have not been given the diagnosis of Dementia due to the fact that she will not get tested and gets extremely angry when it is suggested. (She has always had anger issues and does not let anyone do anything to help her.) Recently, she believes she has to go to work (her place of employment closed over 10 years ago, she has been collecting retirement and social security). When we tell her that her work is all done, that she gets paid to stay at home, she gets angry because she believes no one looped her in on that. If we go along with it, she often remembers that she is retired and she gets angry that we lied to her. If we change the subject, she gets angry that we are not answering her and goes right back to it. In all scenarios, she gets herself worked up and nervous. Her blood pressure rises and she often makes herself get physically sick over it. We've had her old boss call her, write her emails and texts to let her know that she is okay, she does not have to worry and that the responsibility is no longer hers. That helps for about 10 minutes and she goes right back into it. I'm looking for support, is there anything anyone can give me for a tip or trick? Something to say that might take away the stress on her? I'm afraid she is going to cause herself to have a stroke and also that the constant repetition and fighting no matter what we say is going to cause my dad to have issues, as well.

Thank you for posting. The is why I am here too. I am the oldest daughter and my counselor says that makes me the most common target of Mom's delusions. She refuses diagnosis or participation in any thing to do with her dementia. She is "firing" most of her doctors due to distrust. She accuses me of anything that might not go her way even though I love her very much and was much loved until she hit her head. Her rants make her short of breath and her heart race. Because of one situation, we have made her the 'driver of this bus' just to appease her, but now I am concerned about her health and financial decisions and how she treats my Dad who has frontal lobe dementia.