Newbie here.....how to cope with my dad

clickclicksend

My dad, unoffically, has alzheimers. He does not want to be tested.

I am 52. He is 88. My mom passed 6 years so just him and I. He lives with me.

I have my own business and work lots of hours. He has a part time care giver just so she can take him to doctor appts and get him out of the house for a meal.

My entire life growing up, we have ALWAYS been VERY competitive. It's hard for me now as I know, he can't do what he once was able to do, but he acts the same. And, when he's wrong, he can't/won't admit it. Even when healthy, he would never admit it. He accuses me of things that I would never do, nor have NEVER done. I can explain it to him 100x and he still doesn't get it. It bothers me greatly that he thinks these horrible things of me. He accuses me of stealing his money, the house (which he signed overe to me before my mom passed WHILE in prescence of lawyer), says I buy him cheap clothing (Carhartt, Duluth, etc) cause he can't snap the buttons, so MUST be cheaply made. Says I change the channel on him and I tell him I've been upstairs all night, he can't hear TV (which is on 100 volume) and somehow that's my fault. The list goes on and on.

I guess I just get hurt cause he thinks so poorly of me. I'm at my wits end. We argue and there is no talking any sense into him. I can show him video evidence of whatever it may be and he STILL doesn't believe me.

PLEASAE help with suggestions.

M1

Welcome to the forum. You can't reason with someone with dementia, and you will be less frustrated if you quit trying to do so. what you are describing are pretty common delusions, and medications may help. Does he have a primary care provider that he trusts? That's the first person you should approach. Also read up on anosognosia, this is another common feature of the disease-he really can't appreciate that he's impaired and thinks he's fine.

clickclicksend

@M1 ........ he does have a primary care physician. He's been his doctor for overe 40 years. When my mom was alive, she wanted to get him tested and he refused. The doctor said he can't do anything or give him medication without his approval and knowledge of what/why he is getting said meds/testing. so nothing was done.

It's so hard between me wanting too defend what is truth and NOT steal from him to understanding that he may be unable to differenciate. He's always been argumentative so again, hard to differentiate him being this way when he was of sound mind to now.

I will definietely look into that anosogosia.

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi, welcome to this forum but sorry for this situation. Are his legal documents in order and are you his medical and financial POA? If so, the doctor should be able to help you. If not, might be time to contact a CELA.

The behaviors you describe are quite common. And I know it’s difficult to transition from knowing the parent you had and adjusting to your parent’s current reality. Also, they say, that dementia can exacerbate positive or negative personality traits. The competition between you will probably need to stop, you will likely be on the losing side often, sorry to say. There is no reasoning as M1 said. Unfortunately you will also have to be the one to constantly adjust to this new dad you have. Taking blame when you’re not at fault, validating his feelings, apologizing, reassuring him you’ve got his back etc…may go a long way to save the peace…did for me.

Thanks for sharing! Keep coming back, there are so many wise and supportive people here. I wouldn’t have gotten through this horrible journey without them.

M1

Click, i was a primary care doc for many years myself, and it's unfortunate that his doc is taking that position with you-not helpful and not very empathetic or realistic, IMHO. pediatricians don't ask a toddlers permission to prescribe medication and this is no different. You might ask again, but if he is recalcitrant, ask for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Speak with that office ahead of time and explain the situation in detail, i can guarantee you they will have encountered it before. When it comes to actually taking your dad for evaluation, don't tell him the real reason for the appointment, make something up-this is a wellness evaluation now required by Medicare, or some such. You may need to ask for liquid formulations that can be given in beverages or food, if he won't take pills voluntarily. This is all presuming that you have or obtain medical power of attorney. If you don't have it already, that's where you need to consult a certified elder law attorney (lookat nelf.org). You can't expect him to agree to any of this.

annmariev

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66943/newbie-here-how-to-cope-with-my-dad

Unfortunately you are his emotional target. He knows something is happening to him realizing he is loosing his abilities & independence. Don’t argue with him or repeatedly say or restate the same thing. Paranoia is part of the disease process so trust is fragile.

my mother was given namenda & aricept 12 years ago & I truly believe the progression of the disease was slower than had she not taken medication. (Speak to his primary, maybe just see a neurologist…good doctors will know how to handle his fears and truly help both of you ..)

It is so hard to not take the insults & accusations to heart..I totally understand but remember it’s the disease ..he is still you father.

Im open for any questions..you are not alone!!

H1235

It’s very hard. You need to get in the mindset that unless it is harming him he is always right. There is NO point in arguing. You will never get through to him and it will only upset you both. For my mom I think she has lost the ability to do so much that arguing and being right is her way of exerting control where she has so little. When we think of dementia so many people primarily think memory loss. It’s so much more! Good luck.