clashing with sibling this Christmas over COVID risks

JJPups

My mom is in the moderate stages of AD, still living with my father but it is increasingly difficult with her behavior and level of confusion. They are 60+ years married, in their 80s, and my father is mom's primary caregiver (burdened by her care needs). I recently moved them to be closer to me (only daughter and youngest child--now 5 minutes away) so I could help my father more. That means I am there in their house every weekend, spending hours of my personal time to help care my mom and their household (trying to coax mom to take a bath, cleaning, laundry, helping with grocery shopping, etc). I am also there quite often during the weekdays such as assistance to medical appointments, have helped sort out legal and financial matters, and whatever else pops up. I am basically trying to support and keep them together in the community as long as it is feasible. I have used up a lot of my own personal leave from work this past year because of the situation. I am in long-term relationship with a partner who provides a lot of support to me and to them, but have no children.

I have an older brother who is married with children in their late teens and 20s. Brother and spouse own a home in this area, provide minimum tangible support to me or dad (occasional help in a pinch) and have never checked in with me to see how I am managing over these last few months or how they might help. Despite this unequal arrangement, brother and his family insist on having my parents over to their home for large gatherings at the holidays and make 0 adjustments for COVID risk or for my mom's decline. This has caused major friction for me this year, as I feel they would like to have all the enjoyment of parents / grandparents at Christmas (as in years past) and "stick me with the tab" if and when my parents were to come down with a respiratory illness (which are rampant in our area right now) I have spoken to my brother at multiple times over the course of the pandemic about COVID risk and last night overheard him tell my father on a phone call that I was "paranoid" and also telling my dad that masking "doesn't work." I feel utterly disrespected, anxious and feel sad that my father is caught in the middle of this dispute.

I'm really at the end of my rope with my brother and his family on this topic and POd enough to cut them out of my life at least for the time being, but that will not discontinue their visits with mom and dad and unilateral moves they make to plan social activities for my parents. If anyone has encountered similar situations and could tell me how you have managed, I'd appreciate hearing from you.

SusanB-dil

Hi jjpups - it is not unusual to have others, even those closest to us, not realize the full scope of the situation. Sometimes, they can even make things more difficult! I really don't have much solution for you, but do know you're not alone. Your folks are blessed to have you watching out for them in such capacity.

2parents/brain change

Hi SusanB-dil is so right. Our siblings (my husband's really, my in laws) do not realize the full scope of what it takes to walk with our parent through this change of life (for all of us).

They are great at 'surface' and 'optics', but honestly neither of the two in town can face what is happening.

the only thing for me that really diffuses my anger and potentially other ugly feelings is to accept 'the siblings' as they are. They aren't going to change for me, or on my time line, and maybe not in time to make any kind of meaningful connection with me and my husband for the future. A few days ago he said (I wonder if when this is all over, will we even want to see my siblings again)? It's a fair question as this point in time, but not worth thinking about.

I rely on this community to help me keep my head on straight and I protect my heart by not counting on others to meet me where reality is. I find people that do 'get it' and try to put my energy into relationships with them. Then I get the support I need.

Stay true to yourself, care for yourself, be your own best friend.

You are amazing,

J

bmar11

Hello. I am also having a hard time with my sibling. My brother lives in a different state. My parents are near me. My mom was just diagnosed with dementia/alzeimers and had a UTI, which caused a lot of delusional behavior. She was diagnosed in the hospital during the UTI treatment. We put her in an assisted living facility, but my father does not want to stay with her. He bought a new house and takes her back and forth, which I don’t think is such a great idea, but it is what it is. During the holidays, my mom admitted to me that she has to “act” around my father and my brother so that they don’t get upset about her having dementia, so I am the only one who really “sees” it. It has caused a lot of discord in our family and I am made to feel like I am overreacting. I have depression and it has really been exacerbated by all this.

At the present time, I am doing my best just to tolerate them and trying to put my feelings aside so I don’t “react” to them. I am the only one doing therapy and going to a support group. I guess I can just do for myself and let them worry about themselves, but easier said then done!

Sending hugs to all in this difficult position.

Mint

I understand your concern and deal with this a little bit myself. I don’t know that I have a lot of answers and just kind of commiserating with you. My sister and I take care of my mom we share it pretty equally. So that part is a little bit different than your situation.

My sister and I though have very different views on Covid. I have had to come to accept the fact that my sister is not going to change because of what I consider her paranoia. So like you, here where I live Covid, flu and RSV are increasing and if my mom gets sick it’ll be a difficult situation because my mother doesn’t accept medical care. So I do what only I can do, When I’m with my mom I wear my mask for two reasons I don’t want to carry anything into her and I don’t want to get anything from her. When I’m in crowds, I wear my mask also to try and protect myself from carrying any of these things into her, I personally believe in God, so I do the best that he has given me knowledge to know how and trust him for the things I can’t control.

I really understand your frustration since your family doesn’t help you, but yet they don’t care to expose your mother to things that’ll make it even harder for you. I would encourage you to protect yourself when you’re caring for them especially for the next two weeks or anytime when you know they have the possibility that they were exposed.. Guessing you could not count on those family members to step up and take care of the parents if they get sick that’ll probably be left for you to handle I’m guessing.