How do I answer the question, "Why can't I remember?"

stephanieanne34

I have been a caregiver to a lovely woman in MS of Alzheimer's since April 2023. One thing she's been doing more of here lately is asking me why she can't remember things. For example, just today, she was talking about her father and how she wasn't sure whether or not he was still alive. When I confirmed her suspicions of him no longer being with us, she asked me "Why can't I remember things like this? I'm sure someone would have told me, that's a pretty big deal!" I didn't know how to respond. I guess I'm trying to find some good ways to be able to answer her questions on why she can't remember. I know she's been told she has Alzheimer's but I've never felt it was a good idea to keep telling her so. Any advice?

jfkoc

I agree about stopping the Alzheimer's. I simply told my husband that as we age some of the snapies in our brains just do not work. Usually add "I find that annoying, how about you?"

michiganpat

My husband has trouble recognizing people when he sees them outside of their usual environment. This includes his granddaughter and sister in law. I told him as we age some parts of our body don't work as well as they used to and that includes some sections of the brain and it happens to all of us. He seemed to accept that. I have never told him he has dementia. His doctor is aware (I have talked to her) and did initial lab testing to rule out other causes. He refuses "brain tests" as "there is nothing wrong with me". Definite anosognosia.

harshedbuzz

@stephanieanne34

How kind of you to reach out.

My dad recognized early on that sometimes his memory was not working well. He, too, had been told by his neurologists that he had dementia/Alzheimer's, but he lacked the executive function and reasoning skills to appreciate what that meant to him at the moment and in the future.

He was utterly confused about whether my sister was well, sick or dead. She was like Schrodinger's cat-- at once alive and dead. This wasn't like most situations where you can reassure the PWD with a fiblet ("dad's at the cabin fishing with his friends") and then redirect to the warm cookies in the kitchen. Dad would look at me and say "she's dead, isn't she?" What worked for me was to use his question as a segue into cute stories about her from childhood-- he never tired of these. I think on some level he was afraid of losing memory of her entirely (she'd been his mini-me and favorite) so sharing stories calmed him.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

When my mom lost her knowledge of Alzheimer’s/dementia and she’d ask, “why”, I told her things like, “we all forget sometimes”, “don’t worry, we’ll get through this together somehow” and she’d giggle at the prospect of the two of us making it together. She asked once in front of the hospice nurse and CNA and they said the same type of thing. Validating her feelings went a long way for us throughout our journey.

CaliforniaGirl-1

I say, "Its ok, that is why you have me. I am here to remind you." It seems to work. As the disease progresses there will be times when they will be less conscious of forgetting things and less stressed that their mind is not working quite the same way as before. But in our case, at times of stress and feeling of lack of control, it seems to come back.

Sapphire68

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67794/how-do-i-answer-the-question-why-cant-i-remember

I would just reply in that moment in a lighthearted way and tell her it's okay, sometimes we forget things but it went this way....and explain the situation or whatever it is to her the best you can to remind her each time. Try not to be negative or down in any way or respond in a way that would make her feel sad or helpless.