Support & Advice

katiem88

Hi. My name is Kate & I am new to the forum. My mom has been living in a memory care facility for a little over two years now just a few months after my dad died abruptly. The last two years have not been the easiest with losing a parent & losing a parent to dementia. My siblings and I relationship has been estranged since my mom living in the facility. I do live about 2.5-3 hours away from my mom currently. I was seeing her twice- three times a months when she recently moved in but since then it’s been much less. Every time I do see her , I have such guilt that I don’t see her enough or that I haven’t done much for her in the last couple of months. I spiral into depression after our visits blaming myself for doing so little. And it’s a vicious cycle that I keep doing. Does it ever get easier? Do the phone calls get better? It’s incredibly hard to watch your parent deteriorate while you just stand back and watch with hardly anything in your power to help them get better. Looking for support & advice. And even if there’s some book recommendations also. Ty.

-K

SusanB-dil

Hi Kate - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

So sorry for the loss of dad, plus dealing with seeing mom in this situation. It is all hard.

First, your mom probably does not remember that you don't spend as much time with her as you think you should.

The book 'The 36-Hour Day' is helpful. Tam Cummings videos... and besides this forum, there are links to the right of this page - Dementia Resources is helpful.

eaglemom

Welcome to the message board. You have come to the right place for support. It is very difficult to lose a parent period. But add to that watching a parent with dementia is a combo that can overwhelm you. It's hard, and unless someone has walked in your shoes they have no idea how hard it real is.

I'm sorry about your siblings. Do they see your mom daily? Weekly? Just what is their involvement with her? Family dynamics often come into play during times of high stress. It might sound trivial, and I certainly don't mean for it to sound that way, but you can only be in charge of you & your emotions. If your siblings have removed themselves, for whatever reason, that is on them. (This is difficult to accept, I know as I'm going through it with our son. It's not me, this is all on him.)

Take a deep breath and do one day at a time.

eagle

terei

Additionally, I would recommend reading ‘Being Mortal’. Do what you can + see a professional if you need support, if possible.

harshedbuzz

@katiem88

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

I am sorry for your losses. Not just the loss of your dear dad, but also the ambiguous loss of your mom through the progression of her dementia. It's especially difficult when family disagreements and judgment cost you the support of the very people who should understand what you're going through.

Managing ambiguous loss and grief | Alzheimer Society of Canada

I suspect your distance makes some aspects dementia worse. For one thing, PWD lose the ability to really respond to phone calls or FaceTime making the interaction unfulfilling on your end. And being able to visit every week or two means that her losses will be a little more obvious to you than if you were visiting daily.

Sadly, this only ever ends one way. This place or some other support group might be helpful. A talk therapist was great for my mom as well as an SSRI for her depression and anxiety around losing dad.

HB