Help! To move or not to move a parent diagnosed with dememtia

femlawtwo

Mom was diagnosed in January 2024. She mechanically very functionally. Sister and I can’t agree about moving her from where she has lived for 24 years to where sister and I live. Mom started showing signs of memory lose two years prior to diagnosis. How does one determine if moving is right or not as I have heard horror stories? Who does one talk with to help make the best decision? I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any advice ?

M1

Welcome to the forum. It seems quite common to have sibling disagreement on these things, and it always comes down to who has power of attorney: if no one does yet, there's your place to start.

I don't think there's a perfect time to accomplish a move, but almost everyone here would agree that long-distance caregiving is quite difficult over time and that moving her closer to you will eventually be necessary. Many would also say that accomplishing a move while she still has mental capacity to adjust is also better. You may want to go for an extended visit to get a sense of how she's functioning: are bills getting paid? Is there expired food in the fridge? is the living space unkempt? What do the neighbors say? Are there unexplained dents or scrapes on the car (driving at all is a big issue)?

another thing to consider is where she will live when you do move her. What can she afford? By the time most families consider assisted living, that ship has long sailed and memory care is more likely to be necessary. Whether she could live with you or your sister is a whole other issue. If that's the case, the one with the primary caregiving responsibility should be the one to hold power of attorney.

Most here would also recommend that you not include your mom in these discussions, but that varies. She may not have the reasoning power to process the information and may be resistant, no matter what you say. Many have anosognosia and can't appreciate their deficits (different from denial). In that case you just move her, perhaps under the guise of an extended visit, and wait to sell her home and possessions after the fact.

it's a lot to think about. I'm' sure others will chime in. There are many kind, compassionate, and experienced caregivers here so you have come to a good place.

Hope5757

Agree with all of M1’s comment. I’d add - only one person should have financial power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Splitting the two POA’s will create issues.

Know that moving will be difficult for her. Regardless of whether she initially agrees or whether at some point she acknowledges her inability to live alone. Home will likely become some combination of happy memories, youth and independence. Be prepared for the desire to go back home. For some PWD, the desire to go home is incessant and overwhelming. For us, it was more occasional and always predicated by some stress event.

H1235

I would see what her doctor recommends. When my mom was diagnosed they told her right then they did not recommend she live alone. She has lived with my brother for a year but is alone while he works. I think it’s time for a move to Al. My brother thinks she is fine. We will be discussing it at her next appointment ( the neurologist not pcp). Sometimes it can take a while to really accept a change may be best( for you or your sister). I would strongly recommend learning as much as you can about what might be to come. Maybe a dementia workshop or something. I know a DPOA is the one that makes the decisions, but you don’t need a feuding family on top of a lo with dementia. My advice is do your best to be understanding, and patient with each other, maybe compromise. That’s just me I’m a peace keeper. But safety must be a priority. If she is going to stay I would come up with a way to keep a very close eye on things. Lost of visits, maybe cameras in the house, help with bills, ask her to drive if you go to the store. That is going to be very difficult! I agree that you and your sister need to make the final decision. It is a very complicated decision, even if she is doing very well, there is just too many things for her to consider. If she seems like she would ok with the move I would jump on it and move her quick before she changes her mind.