How To Balance Life

rosecoloredglasses

Hi everyone! Hope you and your LO’s are well. I have been having a lot of problems having a proper “work-life balance” for lack of a better term. My mom’s (60) diagnosis and required care takes up all of my energy, thankfully she’s still able to move around and shower herself and use the bathroom on her own, and those were the things I thought would be the most exhausting on this journey. But she’s fine with those and i’m already at the end of my rope when it comes to energy. She’s currently being taken care of by a trio of twenty year olds (my spouse, best friend, and myself) and while she’s having a great time with us, I’m exhausted. Thankfully I have the support of my partner and my best friend, they’re amazing with my mom and they love her so much, but I feel like this should be the job of an “older adult” as I like to call it. Every day I feel like that, where is the adult in this situation?? And then I realize it’s us and that’s so funny and frustrating lol. My family hasn’t been very physically supportive, I don’t have other people offering to come visit my mom and take care of her for me for a few days so I can spend time being a 25 year old, maybe focus on going back to school, pick up a hobby, etc. They’ll message once in a while to check in, but the only person that’s made the most physical effort has only come to visit for one evening once a year and it’s going out to dinner where i’m still the caregiver. I have no time away from my mom, any time I do have away from her I’m running errands like getting her the fruit she wants or her medicine. My idea of “me time” is getting whatever takeout I want and playing video games for hours while everyone else does to sleep so I finally have some time alone where no one needs me for anything, and I hate it. I genuinely have no idea how to navigate this and I’ve been doing it for two years, I feel like I should’ve figured this out by now but I haven’t. It’s been suggested my mom gets an aid or find one of those adult day cares, but the problem is she’s still so young for her diagnosis and she’s still here mentally, she’s expressed deep discomfort and distress with the idea of having one of those things right now as she doesn’t want to be infantilized or that I would leave her with someone and not come back for her. How have you guys figured out how to have time and things to do for yourself that give you joy and get out of the house if you don’t have extended family support?? Thank you for taking the time to read this, much love to you all and your families🤍

mabelgirl

please contact your area social services. If your mom is under 65 she may be considered disabled and you may qualify for some services under that categorization. If that does occur you may get respite care as her care giver. You absolutely need to have time for yourself and spouse. Your mom will need you to be refreshed as well. I am 65 taking care of my 84 yo mother. I think it is a mental exhaustion that gets us more than the physical demands. I find myself constantly worrying / thinking about her. If I didn’t have my sisters to take my mom a couple a days when I need I know I wouldn’t be able to take good care of my mom. Even with their help I am looking into AL/MC for her. Prayers for strength.

Hope5757

I wish I had a solution. But unfortunately everything you’re saying are common issues with being a caregiver. Your situation is exacerbated because you’re quite young and there’s enormous potential that caring for your mom will dramatically impact your financial future as well as that of your spouse.

It’s unlikely your mom will ever be receptive to the idea of a facility or even in-home aides. It might be best if you approach alternate solutions now.

Typically early onset Alzheimer’s progresses more rapidly than other types. This could mean she’ll need significant care very soon.

My MIL cannot be left alone; requires ambulatory help at all times; requires prompting and help for personal hygiene including bowel movements; and requires constant medical monitoring due to respiratory infections, UTI and pressure sores. It’s a literal 24/7 job. My spouse recently said that we never discuss anything other than MIL anymore. And that’s because that’s all I do.

Please, think carefully about what you’re willing to sacrifice. You want to make decisions with your eyes wide open.

Lynn24

Happy Sunday! Medicare will pay for a social worker to come to your home. If you are uncertain of how to begin this process, please reach out to your mom’s primary care physician’s nurse and she can point you in the right direction. She can also have doctor create an order for at home nursing care, of which can include physical therapy, as well as occupational therapy, all of which are paid by Medicare. These are the first steps that I took once we moved my mother in with us a year and a half ago. Social worker will provide information about any resources needed throughout this journey.

Anonymousjpl123

@rosecoloredglasses kudos to you for taking this on, finding this site, and having such a wonderful support network to help.

I would recommend finding a therapist. Balancing life and work and demands in my 20s was a full time job without having to care for a parent. I’m sorry you have to deal with this so young.

But finding a therapist for yourself could be really helpful as you navigate finding help for your mom. There are many no cost/low cost/sliding scale therapists. Whether you are in a big city, where there are likely resources you can find for in person therapy, or a small town, where it may be easier to do online, having some space to really focus on YOUR needs is so important.

If it seems like just too much effort, call the Alzheimer’s association hotline and they can probably get you some names and websites to start. You are not alone! Hope you can find some time to rest.

Alexis D

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, and at such a young age! I’m 38 and my mom’s 70. She was officially diagnosed around 3 years ago and I always think to myself, I am too young to deal with this! You’ve given me a new perspective.

My advice: If possible, don’t spread yourself too thin. You’re right. You should enjoy being 25! Your mom will probably always say that she doesn’t want to get outside help, go to adult day care, or (if the time comes) move to assisted living. You may need to persuade her or convince her by making it seem like something temporary.

My brother and I had a really hard time in the beginning, figuring out what we should do, if we should hire care, send her to day care, etc. It all seemed impossible. Her neuro (at the time) wasn’t helpful at all and we were lost. But once we found the right care for her, things go easier. Not right away, but over time.

Question: Have you directly asked people if they could help you physically? Worst case scenario, they say no. Maybe some don’t realize how much you’re struggling…

Lastly, it’s not an immediate solve to your problem, of course. But I find writing about this whole experience very therapeutic. I even created a blog/journal where I share thoughts regularly and even notes that I write to my mom (but never send to her). Sometimes it’s so hard to process everything when someone is changing so much, right in front of you.