Therapeutic Lie

rosecoloredglasses

Hi everybody! I was looking for some advice on how to explain to my mom (60 with ALZ) the idea of starting to go to an adult day care program. There’s this wonderful program that’s 5 minutes away from us, in a senior center that my mom is familiar with already because her mom used to go there. I’be recently heard the term “therapeutic lie” for people with Alzheimer’s/Dementia, a lie that doesn’t hurt anyone just gives them a push to do things. But I have no idea how to even start that conversation with my mom as the idea of any programs where’s she’s out of the house make her uncomfortable and then she shuts down. I don’t want to make her upset or uncomfortable, but I need to start making some time for myself as her main care giver, she needs me to be okay so I can make sure she’s okay. What “therapeutic lie” can I use?? I’ve thought of going with her for the first few days, and then saying “oh I forgot I have a doctor’s appointment! Would you mind waiting here until I come back??” Idk every thing I think of to say to her just makes me feel so guilty, the whole thing has me racked with guilt and anxiety. Thank you to everyone who reads this!🩵

SiberianIris

In my experience, it's better NOT to try to prepare her beforehand or try to explain what place she's going to or why she's there.

My mom did lots of volunteer work, so she likes the idea of helping people and feeling useful. She's also very social and loves being with people. I would just take her with as little fanfare as possible, like you would if you were taking her to the store or other mundane activity. When you get there, say "I'd like you to meet some of my friends where we do volunteer work." and go in.

Prior to the first visit, meet with the people who run the program, so they are familiar with you and can help you come up with a "story". That way, when you go in the first time, they will be expecting you and your mom and act like they know you, so there'll be a good 'familiar friend vibe' going on. People with dementia may forget all kinds of things, but their ability to sense moods and feelings stays strong.

I like your idea of going with her the first few days and gradually weaning yourself away.

dancsfo

I think that letting go of feeling guilty is a key thing. Therapeutic lying is not truthful, but it does benefit both your mom and yourself as a caregiver. If your mom feels uncomfortable at day care, perhaps starting slowly (let's say once everyone few weeks) and then increasing it will be a way to avoid having her shut down. Maybe there can be people or other visitors who she will trust or be comfortable with.

Jeanne C.

My husband was very resistant to daycare. I found that being matter-of-fact about it worked for me. I didn't say where we were going, I just took him. I never referred to it as "daycare" and just called it by the name on the sign above the door. I started him at 2 days a week and eventually went to 4. He often complained about it and said he didn't want to go. I would explain that I had to go somewhere and that I took him there so he didn't have to be alone (that was a therapeutic lie - often I was home just getting things done in peace). When he would get restless there, they were good about giving him a task, so he felt like he was helping. It wasn't perfect, but we got by until his disease progressed and he started hospice. I hope it goes well for you. The safety and socialization are important for her and the respite is crucial for you.

Hope5757

Like @Jeanne C. - I find being matter of fact the best tactic. I’ve found “it will help me help you” to be unhelpful. I didn’t realize how unhelpful until a recent melt down by MIL when she began screaming at me that all I ever said was that I needed help with her care.

What’s ironic is it’s actually my DH who tells his mom that. He feels guilty over how difficult her care is for me so tries to let me know he knows by telling his mom. But, clearly she thinks the sentiment is ultimately coming from me.

I’d avoid any big stories and just focus on the actual visit. Resistance to any change is typical. I’d avoid prepping the probable pushback.

concerned_sister

In case "going to the doctor" is too specific, and can't be recylced, maybe a generic, I have "personal business" to take care of, or "an errand to run" might work and be generic enough to be true.

SBGal

I am in the same boat as you! I just made an appointment to visit and tour a day care center next week. My MIL is just so lonely and bored at home while myself and husband are at work. She has dementia but is so far okay by herself.

I was also trying to come up with a "therapeutic lie" to tell her just for this visit - we haven't even committed! (The guilt is palpable!) I am afraid she is going to get really mad or upset with me. I may have to slightly suggest that they need helpers. She has been a volunteer with Meals on Wheels so this may appeal to her.

karindehn

My Dad and I were the same way. My Dad has always been very honest with my Mom so to think we had to "lie" to her to get her to go to Adult Day Care really weighed heavy. However with the advice of the Adult Day Care, my Mom has been going there since July and it is the best 5 hours a day for my Dad and myself. It is the respite that is needed to care for ourselves while she is being very well care for.

hiya

I told my DH that the adult care was a place for people who have no family or friends to talk too and they need volunteers to help by just going and joining in with people so they are not lonely.
As far as fiblets, if it makes their world a safer, less anxiety and worrisome place, it’s a win for them and a win for the caregiver. Good luck!!