Therapeutic Lie #2

rosecoloredglasses

Hi everyone! This is kind of a continuation of my last post. I am trying to get my mom (60 with ALZ) in to an adult day care program, and it did not go well. Well, we didn't even get to the day care place. I took all of your guys' advice about saying it's a place where I volunteer at and have some friends I want her to meet, and she saw right through it. She immediately started yelling at me about "I'm never going to a place like that! If people I know see me there there's no coming back from that. I need to focus on healing and getting better." It was shocking because she almost never fights me on things, but this the one thing that I need for me, she won't hear of it. I tried to explain how I wanted to go for me and wanted her to come with me, trying to frame it as it would help me if she went, and it didn't help. I'm so frustrated that in the same sentence as saying she won't hear of going to an adult day care program, she's saying she just wants to help me and she doesn't want to stress me out more than I already am. I don't know where to go from here with this. I just feel so helpless about it. Thank you all as usual, much love to you and your families.

M1

I'm so sorry. I wish i had suggestions. This is just how I would have expected my partner to behave in a similar situation. And how she still behaves, even now on hospice in memory care. She will say she's sorry for putting me through it, and in the next breath refuse help from anyone but me.

I just don't think there is any answer for this kind of uncooperativeness, and it's clearly related to anosognosia. Ironically, I think it increases the chances that you'll have to place her, as the refusal to cooperate with lesser measures increases your risk for burnout. Folks like your mother and my partner shoot themselves in their own darn foot by behaving this way, even though you know it's not their fault.

fmb

As someone in this forum put it, "You can't reason with someone whose reasoner is broken." Explanations seem to have little or no positive effect past a certain point. Loss of empathy is a characteristic of ALZ. The PWD is simply unable to comprehend the effect caregiving has on the caregiver. Just today I told DH that I would not be visiting him tomorrow but would see him on Saturday. More for my own ears than his, I explained to him that I had not had a day off from driving in (1-1/2 hr. round trip) and spending the day with him in two weeks and that I am feeling very grouchy, tired and burnt out and need to rest and take care of some things around the house. He was sad and unhappy, of course, but I did not expect him to understand. Now that I talked myself into taking the day off, I refuse to feel guilty.

Quilting brings calm

my step-dad was stubborn his entire life. It only got worse as his brain started slipping. The only reasons I got them into AL was that 1) they had no house to move into when we brought them back to our home state due to mom’s medical emergency and 2) he didn’t have the first clue how to go about renting a house or apartment. Mom had always done that stuff and she was in no condition to do so. I took care of setting up the AL visit and providing a signed check from my account as deposit. ( which the AL didn’t cash - the actual money came from my parent’s account) He continued to think they’d be capable of living on their own even after their doctor told them they might accidentally burn a place down cooking.

mabelgirl

can you get companion care for her , such that scene who’d be with her while you took a breather? My mom went once to the day center, enjoyed and then refused to go back because there are old people there. I’m working on getting into AL as we both need it.