Overwhelmed with guilt & grief

greentea47

It was a long road but my father in law has been living in a memory care facility close to us for about 6 weeks. Even though I know that my husband and I would be unable to care for him safely in our home because he would mostly be alone, I still feel so guilty for this major decision. When family and friends ask about my FIL, they say things like “why would you ever put him in a place like that?” or “he needs to be around family, not in a facility”. It makes me question our decision and feel guilty we had to have him placed in memory care, like we just gave up.
It’s hard to visit at the memory care because I know he doesn’t want to be there and I don’t know if he’ll ever adjust. He is the youngest resident there and doesn’t interact much with the other residents. He has had two incidents where he has been violent towards staff and attempted to elope so they have been adjusting his medications. He barely eats the food there so we bring food he prefers, he doesn’t show much interest in the activities… is there something else we should be doing to help him adjust?
Does it just take more time? Do we bring him back home & figure it all out again?
On top of feeling so much guilt, we are grieving the loss of my mother in law who passed away in hospice last week. We still haven’t told my father in law, which feels so cruel, but we honestly don’t even know how to tell him or if it’s best. We haven’t gone to see my FIL since she passed, it’s been so overwhelming with so many emotions and then trying to plan the funeral…
It’s a tough season and we’re just trying to get through.. Thanks for giving me a space to vent.

M1

Welcome to the forum. First, ignore the wellmeaning idiots who don't know what they're talking about, unfortunately they still feel free to voice their opinions. It's idle chatter. You've done exactly the right thing for him in very difficult circumstances. You are grieving multiple losses and im so sorry. I would suggest coming up with a stock answer to any questions about him that will shut down further discussion- someone asks how he is, just say he's fine. You're not obliged to enter into conversation with any of these people. My partner used to remark that everyone has two things: a*holes and opinions.

I personally wouldn't tell him of his wife's death now, and maybe not ever. He won't remember. My partner ( in MC for over two years) thinks her mother is still alive and forgets that her favorite sister died three years ago. If she brings them up we just talk about them as if they were still here.

adjusting to MC can take a long time. My partner has had a very difficult experience with it. I say that not to be discouraging but to remind you that it's very early days yet for you. be patient, Six weeks is nothing. It was only after a year and a change of facility that we have come anywhere close to a tolerable situation, and part of that is due to the inevitable disease progression.

you have come to a good place for advice and support. Don't let the bastards get you down.

psg712

Placement in memory care is not giving up. It's a very hard decision made with the safety of your loved one as first priority. If you had him at home with you, the disease would still make it likely for him to wander off or do something else unsafe while you are working or sleeping. Access to a stove, tools, stairs, the telephone or front door (for scammers) ... the list of dangers goes on. The loss of his wife will only add to his confusion.

I have experienced the judgment from people who care. They simply do not understand his situation. What hurts is their lack of trust that you are acting with love in his best interest. And in most cases, you cannot convince them. I agree with keeping the conversation brief and just proceeding as you are doing. HMy condolences on the loss of your MIL and for all you are going through with FIL.

SusanB-dil

First of all, sorry for your loss. You are dealing with a lot right now…

Agree with what's been posted - you know you've done what is best for all of you, not just him. Those who are saying 'he shouldn't be in MC' weren't there 24/7 to see the bigger picture. If they visited at all, he could have been showtiming, which takes a conscious effort to 'appear better than what it seems'. MIL has done this, (mostly at doc appts) and she is worn out afterward. NONE of her friends have stepped forward to offer to help! Only one family member (her sister) has been helping for a couple hours on Saturday afternoons. Her sis is the only one who really sees, at least partly, what we are dealing with. Anyone else can just shut up.

My mom will occasionally ask about dad. Your answer can vary, but we can just say 'oh, he isn't here today'. If she does ask further where he is, we can say, 'not sure - maybe playing golf or over by my brother'. We never bring up that he is gone.

Good they are working with your FIL to adjust meds and such. He is blessed to have you watching out for him, in MC, where he is safe, and you can still be his family and advocate for him.