Struggling Only Child

C_Igoe

Hi ya'll, I've recently become a caregiver at the age of 29 as an only child for my father with dementia who is 74. He was diagnosed back in December 2023 with very little notice and had to be moved into a memory care close to my home - I work a full time job and am unable to stop working. It's just him and myself in our family. It's been 8 months into caregiving and I am scared, nervous, and feel a lot of doubt and guilt in this situation. He's in the beginning stages of dementia so I feel as if I rushed the move to MC even though he had to be assessed prior to moving. Does the doubt and guilt ever diminish at any point for moving a loved one into MC? Wrestling with this and handling all affairs, finances, and health care has lead to several burnouts that only make things worse. How can I avoid this?

SusanB-dil

Hi C-Igoe - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

It is all so scary and at times overwhelming for all of us. You are a young caregiver and you do need to be living your own life. You've placed him where he is safe, still be his advocate, and still take care of yourself.

kblau

I don’t see this as rushing it. In fact, I wish someone had intervened sooner with my own mother. He is still able to adjust to daily life there and that is soooo important down the road. I’m sorry you are going thru this so young. You do have to live your life too, as much as you are able to. Sending you hugs.

jen ht

Only child here also. I'm not sure I have recommendations on how to avoid burning out. I can offer you solidarity though. I feel like my heart is breaking and my lack of surrounding family makes it echo around me. I'm also so tired from extending myself to try to fill in the gaps.

I hear you.

My hand in yours across the miles.

kblau

I have found that practicing yoga at night even for 10’minutes helps me. It helps ease the tension in my body and makes the burnout more manageable. There are some excellent yoga teachers on Gaia.com. Worth it to just reset. Nothing crazy. Just simple releases and eases of tension.

NizhoniGrrl

I am also unexpectedly an only child dealing with my mom after my dad and brother died in 2019 and 2020. It stinks! But I’ve also experienced by proxy what it is like when you have siblings who don’t help and/or question every decision you make, as happened with my husband and caring for his parents. That was incredibly stressful, too. You are young to be dealing with this alone. If your father were fully in his right mind, I’m sure he would want the best for you, too. Hugs!

nyarnal1

So sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I’m also an only child with my mom being diagnosed with early onset dementia at 67 (I’m 40). My dad is still around and is her primary caregiver, though he struggles with a physical disability. He does the best he can, but sometimes my mom can be very mean to him, accusing him of not doing enough.

My parents live about an hour and a half from me and I visit every chance I get. Every time I visit she asks me to stay forever and always cries when I leave. It makes me feel absolutely awful. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes it’s its hard and I break down.

Reaching out to give you a long distance hug - it’s so helpful to know that others are experiencing this too.

psg712

My mom has been in MC since January. It is undoubtedly where she needs to be, but occasionally I still feel some guilt ... not because she's there but because I can't be there every day. I have a job, a spouse and a minor child - that is to say, relationships and responsibilities besides my mom and her affairs. There is no other family close by, I moved her from another state so her friends are now far away ... but even if distance weren't a factor, I recognize the reality that most of the contact and tasks usually fall to one individual. And at her stage, most friends drift away too. There is just nothing to talk about and very little that she can participate in anymore.

So I'm regularly torn between (for example) attending my child's school/sports events and visiting mom. If I'm making a mistake in this, I tend to err on the side of being there for my child. He won't be a child forever, and he WILL remember that I was/wasn't at his game or school program. Mom doesn't remember my visit an hour after I've left, although she does enjoy the attention at the time. And yet...she can't speak for herself and I am her only advocate. So it is possible to drive myself a little crazy overthinking the situation.

I just try to give myself some grace and take it a day at a time. Sometimes we need to allow one issue (for example, a financial decision) to rest on the back burner for a few days. There is only so much you can attend to at one time.

TJL413

My mom was diagnosed in May of 2023, and still lives alone. I was able to get a companion for her starting in August of this year, two hours a day, four days a week. I stop by several times a week to pay bills and take care of household stuff. and try take her grocery shopping and out to dinner a few times a month. I also work full-time as a teacher and have a high schooler, new college student (on the opposite coast) and neurodivergent new college graduate who need their own support. Plus, fortunately, a very helpful husband. I am exhausted 24 hours a day. Even when I’m not actively caring for her, I’m waiting for the phone to ring with a problem. Today it was a request to stop by on my way home because she’d gotten some big news and was “shook.” Guess what? She “won” the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes -$ 8.5 million coming her way. I’m realizing that my approach needs to change dramatically - I’m still trying to rationalize and logic-splain everything (It’s a scam!!) when I need to start distracting. I just found this board tonight and feel equal parts heard and terrified. How do I do this by myself? Sorry, I’ve vented instead of saying what I really meant to, which is that this is HARD, and even more so when you’re the only one doing all the mental, physical, logistical and emotional work. Thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace.

M1

welcome to the forum. For future reference as you learn the site, you may get more responses if you start a new discussion. That said—scams and junk mail are a big problem, my partner wanted to respond to every animal charity request. I had to hide the mail. Can you have hers forwarded to you or to a post office box?

It sounds like the day is fast approaching when she shouldn’t be living alone, and your life may be easier if she were in assisted living or memory care. Many don’t make this change willingly-you need to have durable power of attorney for healthcare and finances if you don’t already have it.

You have come to a good place for advice and support. Read a lot of threads and you will learn much and feel less alone.

Ci2Ci

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70438/struggling-only-child

Constantly remind yourself this: You are no good to your father at all if you are dead/debilitated. So, your own wellbeing must be a priority. There is a reason that the flight crew instructs the parent to put on their oxygen mask first before assisting the child.

(I made a huge sacrifice to become caregiver to my LO for 1.5 years, and I am still paying that price 1.5 years later. But, there was no one else to help her; what was I to do. It wasn't until her conditioned suddenly 'advanced' (and had a few episodes of being scared with me) and resulted in an ER/hospital stay that there was an opportunity to move her to a nursing home through Medicaid long-term care. That ER visit with the need for "safe discharge" [a very important phrase] made her medically needy to qualify for Medicaid-LTC. If that fateful ER/hospitalization had not occurred, certainly I would be dead — with my 88 year old mother then having no one to advocate for her. )