Memory Care transition

Rosanne77

Well it has been 2.5 weeks since my DH has been in memory care. Prior to this, he spent 3.5 weeks in the hospital. The first couple of days he was there, I literally slept like a log. My bed didn't even look like i had moved a muscle. But as the days wear on I'm finding my big old house so quiet. It's sad. The facility is beautiful. He does not know that he is there permanently. He believes that he is there for rehab. To gain strength back after his long hospital visit. He's having some tough days and they have asked me to come in during his rough times to help with his transition. Between the hours of 4 and 7 PM are his worst hours. I kind of compare it to a baby with colic. You could set your watch to this time. He usually complains that his anxiety is ramping up, and he exhibits agitation where he can't sit still and sometimes is verbally aggressive toward staff and myself. Using language and actions without any filter at all. The staff for the most part, have been able to redirect him during these times but there are a couple of staff members who don't have the patience for a resident with these tendencies and it is very difficult for my husband to relate to them and for them to relate to him. They are doing ongoing training as apparently he is currently the only resident there exhibiting some of these behaviors. Yesterday, after my visit, I left there in tears. It is very hard to see because I know that he wants to go home when these things happen, and doesn't understand why he can't leave with me. My excuses are seeming lame to me and my daughter has said we need to come up with other reasons why you're leaving and he can't come with you. He doesn't have any problem when others visit and they leave or when our daughter leaves. He is accepting of it. I'm not really sure how to handle this. And I wondered if any of you would have any suggestions about anything that I have talked about, including the aggressive behavior. He'll meet with the new doctor on staff this coming Thursday. Hopefully a medication adjustment maybe what he needs. I'm not questioning whether I've done the right thing as I know I could no longer care for him properly at home. What I need to understand is what can I do to help this Transition.. In a previous post, when I was just considering looking at memory care facilities, many people on this site told me it takes time for people to adjust and maybe i'm just not giving it enough time. I would love to take him out for a drive, for a change if scenery, but I just worry that if I do something like that, I may not be able to get him to go back. Then where would I be? How would I address that and explain to him that I can take him out for a drive, but he can't go back to our house?? I'm already worrying about what the holidays are going to look like. The fall is a very busy time in our family with birthdays, Anniversaries, then Thanksgiving and Christmas. We will miss him not being with us, at home, to celebrate these things. We can bring the celebration to him, though, i know. This was a long winded post, I know, and if you read this far I appreciate it❤️. Thanks for any advice you can share.

TyroneSlothrop

Rosanne, I have similar experiences with my wife, who is now 2.5 months in MC. She wants to leave with me when I visit. I have to lie to get out of there. But I am consoled by knowing that she’s happy and cherished by the community of residents and staff.

I am also convinced that she is no longer capable of making new memories. So whatever I say, whatever we do when I visit, is for her not a memory, but a present event only.

And my guilty feelings are part of the disease. Incurable, and not healthy. I will not bring her out to our annual holiday get-togethers, because that would spoil them for me and the others.

Tyrone

BPS

My wife has been in MC about 5 months. When I took her out the first time I had the same concerns. We went out on a Saturday and I told her before we left and a couple of times while we were out that since it was a weekend they would not be doing any therapy so it would be OK to go out for a little while but she would need to go back because therapy would start again in the morning. She was sad but OK with going back. That worked in her case.

SDianeL

hope the medication change will help his agitation. When I visited my DH I didn’t say goodbye, I just left. He won’t remember your visit. I left while he was eating a meal. If you can’t do that, ask them to give him a snack. Ice cream worked for my DH. I would not take him for an outing. Take him somewhere on the property. If he asks when he can go home, say when the doctor says you can and change the subject.

terei

Firstly, I would try not telling him you are leaving. Get him occupied with something + excuse yourself to ‘go to the bathroom’ + dont go back. You have to get over the idea that you need to keep treating him as if he has a normal brain that will appreciate a ‘goodbye’. IMO that just triggers his desire to ‘get out’.

Jo124c

My DH of nearly 50 years has been in MC now for 17 days. Today was the worst emotionally for me although several other times have been extremely difficult. I've been going in the morning, sometimes for breakfast and he is always happy to see me, and usually calm, but after I've been there a while and we finish eating he refuses to participate in any activities and so we go outside to a beautiful secured garden area and notice the vegetation and butterflies, etc. or play on the little putting range. Today after thanking me for sitting with him outside he started telling me again that his life was over. He said that the "big guys" were going to kill him and that he worried about me. This has become a persistent delusion. We went back inside and he continued to accelerate, fearful of being killed. He asked me if I had to leave and I said I had to do my volunteer job. He said you leave and I will go kill myself. That was the first time he had said that, although he's threatened to kill the big guys before they get him. The staff distracted him and I left. He is going to have a psychiatric evaluation the next time the psychiatrist visits. The question I have is am I the trigger that pulls forth these delusions? The staff, including the Head Nurse who he has become friendly with report that he never says any of these things to her or the staff. He is often invited by the Head Nurse to sit in her office while she works and she reports very positive interactions with him. He was often confused and had some mild delusions at home but nothing like this—it increases the guilt I feel about placement. Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

l7pla1w2

This is just my opinion. Being there after a meal interrupts the flow of the facility's activity program. I visit my DW an hour or two before dinner. After I get her to the dining area, I tell her I need to feed the dog (which is true), but I will be back later. And I leave.

midge333

I have learned to limit my visits to one hour. If I go longer than that, my DW starts to unravel.

BPS

Jo124c

My wife thought that one of the other residents was trying to kill her. She thought that the other resident and I was having an affair and so the other resident was trying to get rid of her. That caused a couple of problems first my wife was mad at me and worse when I visited once she was in her room shaking with fear. We got her on medication and it took a while but she is longer scared. She still don't like the other resident and I am not sure she even knows why any more. I still am not sure the medication did it or if the progression changed how she felt.

l7pla1w2

I also limit my visits to about an hour. What is there to talk about? She repeats her delusion that has something to do with students and faculty coming for her help. (She was a college professor.) She's becoming less adamant about going home as she adapts to the MCF.

And what can I say to her? She asks what I've been doing, and I make up stories. If I describe doing things we used to do together, she'll ask why she can't join me. I can't tell her about friends I see, because she doesn't remember them, and, again, she'd ask why she wasn't included. I can't take her out of the MCF (at least, not yet), because I'm not sure whether I could get her to return.

terei

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/249430#Comment_249430

It sounds like you are setting up a pattern of being there every day + he is not getting with the program of the facility without you. I would discontinue being there every morning + go at various times + stay less than a hour. He should be escorted to every activity + encouraged to participate by the staff. If he asks about you, they should have an excuse at the ready.

Jo124c

Thanks for everyone sharing their remarkably similar experiences and what works. I am going to try the suggestions of not going every day and coming at different times as well as staying for a shorter period of time. The staff is kind towards him and he likes several of them. I believe he is beginning to adjust…

l7pla1w2

My DW was continually asking about me when she was first placed in MC (in April). The nurses would say either, "Don't you remember, he was just here yesterday", or "Oh, he said he would be here tomorrow." Those fiblets were effective.

And this: I've been away for four weeks at our summer place. When I visited on Thursday, she said she hadn't seen me in a long time, which was true this time. She had said the same thing when I visited every couple of days.

PEMDAS

These are excellent suggestions. My sweet husband will be making the transition to the nursing home soon. It is less than one mile from my house. I believe that for him, he needs to get involved in the daily activities, as he likes to see people coming and going

Last time he was there for rehab, with the main goal of coming home, so I was there every day. However, this time I need the break as well. I am struggling with taking care of myself. So I will visit often, but I will work around their activity schedule.

Thank you all.