Memory Care transition

Rosanne77

Well it has been 2.5 weeks since my DH has been in memory care. Prior to this, he spent 3.5 weeks in the hospital. The first couple of days he was there, I literally slept like a log. My bed didn't even look like i had moved a muscle. But as the days wear on I'm finding my big old house so quiet. It's sad. The facility is beautiful. He does not know that he is there permanently. He believes that he is there for rehab. To gain strength back after his long hospital visit. He's having some tough days and they have asked me to come in during his rough times to help with his transition. Between the hours of 4 and 7 PM are his worst hours. I kind of compare it to a baby with colic. You could set your watch to this time. He usually complains that his anxiety is ramping up, and he exhibits agitation where he can't sit still and sometimes is verbally aggressive toward staff and myself. Using language and actions without any filter at all. The staff for the most part, have been able to redirect him during these times but there are a couple of staff members who don't have the patience for a resident with these tendencies and it is very difficult for my husband to relate to them and for them to relate to him. They are doing ongoing training as apparently he is currently the only resident there exhibiting some of these behaviors. Yesterday, after my visit, I left there in tears. It is very hard to see because I know that he wants to go home when these things happen, and doesn't understand why he can't leave with me. My excuses are seeming lame to me and my daughter has said we need to come up with other reasons why you're leaving and he can't come with you. He doesn't have any problem when others visit and they leave or when our daughter leaves. He is accepting of it. I'm not really sure how to handle this. And I wondered if any of you would have any suggestions about anything that I have talked about, including the aggressive behavior. He'll meet with the new doctor on staff this coming Thursday. Hopefully a medication adjustment maybe what he needs. I'm not questioning whether I've done the right thing as I know I could no longer care for him properly at home. What I need to understand is what can I do to help this Transition.. In a previous post, when I was just considering looking at memory care facilities, many people on this site told me it takes time for people to adjust and maybe i'm just not giving it enough time. I would love to take him out for a drive, for a change if scenery, but I just worry that if I do something like that, I may not be able to get him to go back. Then where would I be? How would I address that and explain to him that I can take him out for a drive, but he can't go back to our house?? I'm already worrying about what the holidays are going to look like. The fall is a very busy time in our family with birthdays, Anniversaries, then Thanksgiving and Christmas. We will miss him not being with us, at home, to celebrate these things. We can bring the celebration to him, though, i know. This was a long winded post, I know, and if you read this far I appreciate it❤️. Thanks for any advice you can share.

TyroneSlothrop

Rosanne, I have similar experiences with my wife, who is now 2.5 months in MC. She wants to leave with me when I visit. I have to lie to get out of there. But I am consoled by knowing that she’s happy and cherished by the community of residents and staff.

I am also convinced that she is no longer capable of making new memories. So whatever I say, whatever we do when I visit, is for her not a memory, but a present event only.

And my guilty feelings are part of the disease. Incurable, and not healthy. I will not bring her out to our annual holiday get-togethers, because that would spoil them for me and the others.

Tyrone

BPS

My wife has been in MC about 5 months. When I took her out the first time I had the same concerns. We went out on a Saturday and I told her before we left and a couple of times while we were out that since it was a weekend they would not be doing any therapy so it would be OK to go out for a little while but she would need to go back because therapy would start again in the morning. She was sad but OK with going back. That worked in her case.

SDianeL

hope the medication change will help his agitation. When I visited my DH I didn’t say goodbye, I just left. He won’t remember your visit. I left while he was eating a meal. If you can’t do that, ask them to give him a snack. Ice cream worked for my DH. I would not take him for an outing. Take him somewhere on the property. If he asks when he can go home, say when the doctor says you can and change the subject.

terei

Firstly, I would try not telling him you are leaving. Get him occupied with something + excuse yourself to ‘go to the bathroom’ + dont go back. You have to get over the idea that you need to keep treating him as if he has a normal brain that will appreciate a ‘goodbye’. IMO that just triggers his desire to ‘get out’.