Anger When Family Tries To Help

rosecoloredglasses

Hi everyone! I wanted to reach out and see if anyone else has had experience with this and what you did to mediate it. So I am a caregiver (F25) to my mama with Alzheimer's (F60), and she is on her first big trip since her diagnosis. Her sister took her out of state to visit other family members and my mom is having a wonderful time. It genuinely makes me so so happy, along with relieved that I've had a break the past few days. Today I got a message from her sister suggesting that I take my mom out on walks and get her in to social programs, all good ideas, but it made me so angry. I don't even know why! I'm thinking it's because since I'm the one that looks after my mom on a daily basis with next to no assistance from extended family, that it makes me feel they don't have the right to suggest things?? I feel horrible for feeling angry because this is what I want, more support. I know they love us, but as soon as this trip is over they'll all go radio silent again. I think I'm also angry because I know my mom is doing "show time" with them, and as soon as she's home she will fight me on going out for walks and social programs. The version they get is different from the one I get and I feel like they don't understand that. I don't like being angry, especially when loved ones are just trying to help.

SusanB-dil

That is very frustrating. agree - no doubt mom is showtiming. How long have they been with your mom? just a day or two? Glad you are getting a break, but I really hope they at least begin to see the day-to-day reality of the situation after a few days.

But maybe you could get a small break with adult daycare a day or two a week if possible?

rosecoloredglasses

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224516#Comment_224516

Thank you so much for the response! She’s been with them for 3 days now, she comes home tomorrow. She’s been fighting me on the adult daycare program, but she seems more “for” the idea now that she’s been hanging out with family. It’s that thing where I have a suggestion about a social program or going on walks she’ll fight me on it, but if my sibling or another family member says the same thing it’s all the sudden the best idea she’s ever heard. Bottom line I’m just glad she’s accepting it from someone but I can’t lie it’s frustrating and hurts my feelings cause I’m the one doing all the hard day to day stuff lol.

howdoidothis

I understand. My sibling keeps telling me about friends in similar situations and what they suggest I do. I’m like, I’m with her every day. You’re three states away and your friends have never met her. I try to tell myself it’s all with good intentions, but it’s frustrating for sure.

mabelgirl

Oh my what a familiar story yours is. When mom lived with my brother she was constantly calling us telling us how bad things were for here. Honestly it wasn’t all fabrication but a lot was. My brother would get very defensive and nasty and hang up on us. Then when she lived with me she was telling her friend big stories about how I treated her. So when her friend started in on me I sent her videos of mom refusing to do anything. I told her friend you just can’t take her words at face value. You need to just know that I am providing the best care I can for her. Now she’s in AL and will tell folks how there is nothing to do. We take a snapshot of the monthly activities so everyone can see and remind her what there is to do.
Unfortunately no matter what we do someone will always pipe in a suggestion. Until the live more than a few days with PWD they’ll not understand. Keep telling yourself you are doing the best you and just thank the person for their concern and let it roll off you.

Prayers for strength.

overwhelmed1965

Wow do i understand this. That familiar anger. You have every right to it. I had to just straight up tell her siblings to stop making suggestions. That I understood they were trying to be helpful but I am doing the best I can and if I need their input, I will ask them for it. Otherwise all it does is add stress to and already very stressful and difficult situation. It wasn't easy to say that but oh my gosh it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. How are things now?

CoryT

Wow, I know the feeling. The advice that begins to feel like criticism, yet they don't help. The advice that always seems like it's a few months late. That can be very frustrating…one day I finally told my aunt, that I didn't want to hear her advice anymore. That stopped the "noise," but we haven't heard much from her since. Still the quiet and peace of mind is priceless.

Stan2

Please don't beat yourself up for being angry. I think we all feel the same at times. I know the family is well intentioned but they simply can't comprehend the reality of the situation. I don't think anyone can until they have lived it. Try to keep your cool and not burn any bridges but we can only do the best we can do with what we have to work with.