I feel like I’m losing myself..

jube13

Hello everyone, I’m just seeking help. My father was diagnosed with unspecified dementia 5 years ago while I was in bootcamp. As of 2 ish years ago until current, he’s been severely violent towards my mother and my brother. He’s threatened to kill them, my mom was so scared she’d sleep in her car in the driveway. She wouldn’t go in the house until she saw my brothers car in the driveway. June of 2023 I got out of the marines and this past July, my mom was desperately begging me to take care of him and i agreed despite my severe depression and many other mental issues i’ve accumulated because of my service. Me, having a big heart, i couldn’t get myself to say no to her. Growing up, my father worked from home and he wasn’t exactly the best father. the constant gaslighting, trying to get my brother and i to turn on our mother, he wasn’t loyal to my mother, the verbal and physical abuse every single day to my brother and i was what led me to leave for the military the second i was old enough (17). So, these last few months have been a living hell. all of the anger, violence, and vulgar comments from him
are sending me into the darkest depression i fear. i am constantly trying my hardest to “do the right thing” and remind myself it’s “just the disease” but this is exhausting. the constant back and forth of everything is causing me to spiral. not to mention, i get ZERO help from my brother and mother. i feel invisible. they want nothing to do with him. i’ve tried sitting down with them and explaining how im feeling and hearing them out on how they feel and it gets nowhere. we’ve never been a close knit family like that. i try to be the glue and the peacemaker, but nobody looks out for me. my entire life was uprooted just to be severely disrespected ever since i arrived back home. i miss my wife, i miss my cats, i miss my life… i don’t know what to do anymore. we got denied for medicaid bevause we “make too much” and we can’t put him in MC because we “make too little”. We have a substantial amount of debt of his we still are working to pay off and we’re constantly trying to float above water. i feel so worthless, invisible, and lonely. i just wish my family would help once in a while. i take care of all of his needs, i clean the entire house everyday, im doing the yardwork, im making sure he isn’t getting into anything he’s not supposed to be, im trying to juggle all of these things and im only one person! i just dont know what to say or do anymore. my entire life is on hold because of a parent that, in his words, ever since i can remember, “never wanted me”. why does everything i do feel like im being “dramatic and lazy”, even though im the reason this house is even still standing?

harshedbuzz

@jube13

Save yourself. Just like in the airline safety video— you need to put on your own mask and breathe before assisting others. Your primary responsibility is to yourself, your immediate family (your wife. full stop) and your future. It does sound as though you can successfully manage dad on your own. I suspect the lack of involvement from mom and brother is related to you being away for 5 years and them being burnt out as you are now. They probably see this as "your turn" especially if you are the older brother.

I would see an elder law attorney about the Medicaid piece. They are the experts in making a plan for residential Medicaid by means of trusts or a period of spending down assets but leaving mom enough to fund a modest life as a community spouse. Unless you've consulted with such a lawyer, you don't know.

This is your mom's responsibility. She chose this when she stayed married to this man despite his behavior. You can tap out.

HB

Quilting brings calm

Tap out. This is your mom’s legal and moral responsibility. Your legal and moral responsibility is to your wife and any future family you two decide to have. You cannot devote the next 5-15 years of your life to him, possibly ruining your own financial future and your marriage. Tell your mom you are leaving.

psg712

Your mental health is paramount right now. Please contact the VA and get some help for your service-connected distress. A good counselor will also help you work through the family issues. Therapy is an investment in you and your future family ... so you don't follow the pattern of the husband and father your dad has been.

Agree with seeing an elder law attorney to check on financial arrangements for your dad's care and your mom's support. Take mom with you after the first meeting. Let her know that you cannot allow dad's behavior to destroy the family … in particular YOUR current marriage.

You are worth what it takes to do this. You deserve healthy relationships and a hopeful future.

housefinch

If you don’t have a therapist, I’d get one. If you do, you might discuss boundaries and maintaining them with angry family members—-this could cause significant resentment and anger in your family. I absolutely agree you owe zero to your parents and your allegiance is to you and your wife. I just know that sometimes holding fast to those decisions when relatives who haven’t done the emotional work “blow up” can be difficult. Sending you all the best—-your future and your happiness are completely worth it.

mabelgirl

please heed the words here, you need to take care of yourself. My granddaughter came back from service with lots of emotional and physical trauma thus I know how easy it is to get pushed to a dangerous place. I couldn’t imagine if she was also trying to be caregiver to a PWD , it’s tough enough with a kid. You are worthy and deserving of a life.

Sit your mom down and give her the advice you’ve gotten here. Call area agency on aging or elder affairs to help her. It’s her place to get your father care. She should go to his pcp immediately to get medication to help tamper his violence and if she so afraid for her safety needs to call 911 and then refuse to bring him home because she can not safely handle him.

Prayers for relief and acceptance of what must be done to save the family’s life.

--Rebecca--

I'm so very sorry. After consulting an attorney, can you help your mom file for divorce, so her assets will be preserved, and your dad can access Medicaid?

Everone else's advice here seems spot on. You don't need to do everything. Take some things off your plate, and don't feel guilty for balalncing your needs with everone else's. Caring for your dad doesn't necessarily mean living with your dad.

Emily 123

I echo what others say here jube13. It seems like he has underlying mental health issues that pre-dated the dementia. The dementia's just taking the brakes off. You aren't dealing with a person you can reason with, as dementia removes those abilities early on, and from what you write, it sounds like he was incapable of cultivating a relationship with you anyway. You're trying to do an honorable thing, but your dad isn't going to change, especially with dementia in the mix. You're stuck right back in your childhood dynamic, which must be soul-crushing.

Your dad has multiple issues that require more care than his family can provide, and that's not from a lack of trying. Your brother and mom couldn't handle him, and they're so burnt out that they won't help you. You're on you're own here, and you're going to have to save yourself. That means doing what mom and brother have done for self-preservation, which is getting away and refusing to re-engage.

I would recommend getting out of the turmoil and getting home immediately, so you have some breathing room to sort out your thoughts and emotions and get some balance back in your life. Counseling can provide a good supportive space to talk through all the conflicts you feel, and let you sort them out. It's important to understand that this isn't due to some failure on your part, but completely due to how your dad processes and reacts to the world (both pre-dementia and now).

You had the determination to set a course for success in your own life at 17 (!). That life you're creating has primary responsibilities to others, and you deserve having the joys that come with those responsibilities too. Don't mortgage those good things to care for a mentally-ill, abusive, unloving person with dementia.

If he's violent or threatening harm to himself or others then a call to the police and admission to the hospital as a psych hold would be good, so they can begin medicating him for the anger and aggression. Under no circumstances should he be discharged home, as he's unsafe—they (discharge planner/social worker) will have to find him a facility to discharge him to.

terei

all good advice. You should not take this on. He should be at home and if and when he becomes threatening, transported to ER by EMS and then on to a geripsych ward to be treated. At that point, refusal to accept him back into the home is advisable. They would be required to place him at that point

sandwichone123

If it's YOUR OWN debt, you can file for bankruptcy and make a new start. Your parents' debt is not your responsibility, no matter what your mother and brother may say. I second the advice above, especially about getting a counselor to help you break the cycle of abuse.