Not sure what to do.

RayleeBean

Im taking care of my grandma who has been diagnosed with dementia, i started taking care of her since i turned 18, this really wasn’t a choice for me but im here and im trying my best everyday however there are things that are popping up making it difficult for me to care for her and i need help, she argues all the time i know not to argue with her but she turns everything you say into an argument no matter how calm you are I'm not sure how to stop it, she also has started lying to her doctors about meds, diet and exercise but when i try to calmly talk about it she shuts me down and i cant talk with her doctor, Ive thought about calling but i feel im breaking some invisible rule, she wont eat anything but junk even when i buy foods she likes, ive tried telling her no but she just goes to the store and buys more junk food. Another problem im having is she saying im controlling her and she makes it out to her being in a bad situation but i do everything i can to make sure shes well taking care of.

SusanB-dil

Hi RayleeBean - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Several things that come to mind... You can let her doctor know whatever you need to, but if you do not have HIPAA accesses/rights, they just cannot reply back to you. Another issue is that someone needs DPOA. It needs to be someone who will take total responsibility for her, her finances, medical decisions and care, and various other issues that will inevitably come up. My other thought is that it sounds like you are getting into way more care than you think, especially for a young person. None of 'this' is easy and as much as you love your grandma, it will only get more difficult.

One example right now is wondering if she should be driving, as that is a huge factor, and it is one of the most difficult things to deal with. Another is her eating. A PWD will absolutely crave those sweets! Also taking proper care of hygiene, and taking meds properly... I hate to say, but it only gets worse. Do you have help? Do you get respite to take care of yourself and get out with friends? That is important. Because you are worth it!

There is a 24 hr help line if you need more guidance. It is 1-800-272-3900, and ask for a care consultant.

H1235

Welcome, I agree with Susan this is a lot for a young person to take on. I don’t know how you will be able to work and care for her. You are a good person for stepping up like this. I’m retired and my mom is in assisted living and I am still overwhelmed with all that needs to be done. I’m also working on cleaning out her house. I would contact your local commission on aging. At some point someone is going to need a DPOA. If you don’t have it yet now is the time. If you wait too long she may not be willing or able to sign. You will need this to manage her finances and if it comes to it, you may need it to get her into assisted living or a nursing home. She probably will not want to go (most people don’t).
My mom also feels I am treating her unfairly and is not happy with me. She feels I am overstepping and she doesn’t belong in assisted living. People with dementia often have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms and limitations. It makes things crazy difficult. If you go to groups on this website then to new caregivers, you will find a lot of great information. I recommend the staging tool, and understanding the dementia experience. These will help you better understand what you are in for. I tend to be a planner, so I would suggest looking in to a plan B if things become too overwhelming. You can still be a good caregiver by making sure she is in a good place, visiting her regularly while she getting the care she needs in a facility. Just my opinion. This is a great place to share, vent and ask questions of people that really understand.

RayleeBean

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237007#Comment_237007

hello, thank you for the advice, i should have explained more, she doesn’t drive anymore its me and my mother bringing her where she wants to go and secondly, she can still take care of her own money and such. Im not sure how to explain this so i do apologize but shes pretty much still able to function on a tay to day she just needs someone to watch her and be there to do the stuff shes not able to do, cooking, cleaning, drive her where she needs to go etc, she tried to get into assisted living but she was denied because shes still capable of doing things but needs a little help. Thats why i’m asking for help i dont want to take away what independence she has but i also have to make sure shes getting what she needs, i just want to go about it the right way.