Really Need Help With My Mom and Dad, Could This be Dementia? Dad’s Behavior
He has also:
Forgotten recent events or where he placed items
Told the same old stories repeatedly
Misremembered dates from decades ago
Seems emotionally fragile—sometimes crying, sometimes aggressive
Is on hormone therapy for prostate cancer
He’s always been intense, but something feels different now. My mom has depression and rarely takes initiative, so I’m in the middle trying to hold things together.
I’m not sure if this is dementia, medication, stress, or something else. Has anyone experienced something like this before a diagnosis?
Comments
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Hi sunpoppy - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.
There are so many factors that could be at play here. The only way to really find out is probably through a neurologist. If you can't go direct due to insurance, hopefully his primary care can refer him. It could be any of what you mentioned, or even a thyroid, hormone, or vitamin imbalance.
If there is aggression and you do feel threatened, you can call 9-1-1, explain the situation, and request a geri-psych evaluation.
Also make sure paperwork is in order (for both your folks) - DPOA and HIPAA accesses.
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I’ve attached a staging tool that can give you an idea of some common symptom. But I agree with Susan, it’s best to have him seen by a doctor. If you think he will be mad at you for bringing up your concerns with the doctor you could bring in a note. I would not trust him to report what is happening. People with dementia often don’t recognize their own symptoms (very frustrating).
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf
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Hi Susan, thank you so much for the kind and thoughtful response — it really means a lot right now.
I agree there are many layers to what’s happening. My dad has been on hormone therapy for prostate cancer since 2022, and over time I’ve noticed his emotional state and memory really start to decline. He has intense hot flashes, gets confused more easily, repeats the same stories, misplaces things, and sometimes forgets recent events. He also fixates on my mom’s past in a way that’s obsessive, and he swings between emotional outbursts and moments of deep regret or confusion. Sometimes he seems aware something is wrong, and other times he doesn’t.
We haven’t been able to get him seen by a neurologist yet, but I’ll try to go through his primary care doctor as you suggested. That’s a great point about making sure all the paperwork is in order too — we’re definitely behind on that.
Does this kind of behavior sound like early dementia to you? I know you’re not a doctor, but I’d appreciate hearing from someone who’s seen this up close.
I’m really grateful for this space — I’ve felt very alone in this, and it helps so much to know others understand.
Warmly,
sunpoppy0 -
Hi sunpoppy,
Any of the mental and emotional changes you mentioned can be connected with dementia. But don't let the doctors discount the effects of the androgen deprivation therapy that your dad takes for his prostate cancer. I work in cancer care (as a nurse) and see many men on these hormone blocking treatments struggle with hot flashes, depression and some memory loss.
Your dad may have dementia mixed in with the effects of his hormone blocking therapy. You will need a doctor willing to look at all sides of this complex situation. I wish you the best as you work to help your parents.
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Thank you so much for this response — it really helps. It’s reassuring to hear from someone in cancer care who has seen these kinds of side effects from androgen deprivation therapy. My dad has continued the hormone shots longer than originally prescribed because he’s afraid the cancer will return if he stops. I’ve noticed a gradual increase in hot flashes, depression, emotional volatility, and some memory issues. It’s been hard to know what’s from the treatment and what might be something more like dementia. He’s also really resistant to seeing anyone other than his oncologist. Your message gave me some clarity and helped me feel a little less alone. Thank you again.
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@sunpoppy
Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.
I had a similar experience with my dad. He went undiagnosed a long time; I noticed symptoms of emotional changes as early as 2005 and memory issues by 2008. He was already medicated for depression long before these changes. His mental incapacity increased at a fairly show rate. He had a recurrence of prostate cancer and began ADT in 2016. It did seem to have a significant drop with the initial Lupron injection but we were told by doctor's that it was likely coincidence or moving him local to where I live. I did a little digging and found this:That said, I would start with his PCP to start the evaluation process. A PCP can order bloodwork and imaging to rule out other things as well as a quick in-office memory test. It can take close to a year to be seen by neurology, so it's best to start with the PCP.
FWIW, dad also had a vitamin deficiency and improved for a time when that was treated until his Alzheimer's progressed and he began drinking again. When mom showed some signs, her bloodwork showed Lyme Disease; she also improved with treatment.
HB0 -
Well, the cycle of arguing, interrogating and then making up continue between my mom and dad. My dad will be caring and show concern for my mom, then a few days later, he is taunting her, and angry at her again. He has demanded a paternity test. He flip flops between staying together, and separation, and divorce. He cannot stop flip flopping between care and concern, and then anger at my moms past affairs. I just would like it all to end.
He is also more forgetful of things; misplaces things more now, and almost forgot a doctors appointment until I reminded him, I also had it written on a calendar. He has always been a bit disorganized, but more so now. Is this early dementia? or is is past trauma, or narcissism? he is due to go off his hormone therapy next year. If it is hormones, will he revert back to his more normal self? My hands are tied behind my back at the moment in terms of telling or asking his doctors now, he would be very angry with me. His doctors only look at physical things, and in regards to his hormone therapy, they only look at PSA, nothing else to indicate progress. They like it low, and his low testosterone too, is very low. He asked about rasing it, but they go no, it would be like adding more fire fuel for the cancer. I wish there was a better way to treat it.
We also got into a major argument one day, because he nearly backed into a car behind him, misjudging thinking there was a parking spot there when it was another car over. He has more trouble with driving, and in general, is very impatient and has outbursts of anger.
On top of all this, his late brother, who was about a decade older than him, has passed at 90 from dementia., with a messy and disorganized estate. He was in a care home. My dads mother also had cognitive issues and passed from dementia.
This has all been so stressful, I may end up on aniti anxiety meds when all is said and done.
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we understand the stress. Without a diagnosis it’s very difficult to know how to proceed. He needs to be seen by a doctor. I would call the doctors office and tell them about the behaviors and that he needs at least a blood work up and memory test. Tell your Dad that it’s required. If you don’t have HIPPA forms the doctor won’t be able to discuss with you but maybe you can go in with your Dad. Meanwhile read the book “The 36 Hour Day” about dementia. Search online for dementia caregiving videos. You will learn techniques to help him. Try to get him to an Elder Care Attorney for a DPOA so you can make decisions for him. Tell him you are getting one done too just in case. If your Dad has dementia he should no longer be driving because if he’s in an accident he could be sued and lose everything. His insurance could also refuse to pay. Please keep us posted. 💜
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I noticed behavioral, emotional and social changes in my parents years before I saw changes in her memory or forgetfulness. I read a book, Thoughtful Dementia Care and some other resources. In my moms case and in many cases the smoking gun is short term memory loss is repeating themselves but having no memory of having having said what they said earlier in the same conversation. Ie asking the same question multiple times in one conversation but not registering at all that they asked it previously or if it is the type of question one is unlikely to forget. Ie how did you injure your leg?
However a lot of the early Changes were like the ones you described in nature. Like I'd find myself asking myself how is it that I've found myself with the most difficult unreasonable yet self righteous person, unempathetic person in the world?
I would think hormonal changes could cause mood changes so potentially your dads case may have multiple factors and hopefully isn't dementia though I hate to say it, but it very well could be.
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He is now going from cycles of rage and tenderness. He gets angry a lot now, and has crying fits and anger. Doctors are unless, all they look at is physical symptoms. There is no way I can notify them without him finding out, and he would be enraged at me. I do not feel safe in my home anymore, I got into a huge fight with him, and he tried to grab me, and throw a water bottle at me. I am also weary of getting any kind of legal power or care for him, because they might obligate me to stay in my home with him. He also get enraged at my mother, and was drinking and threw an empty bottle at her, and raged about her past affair that happened a long time ago.
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If he gets out of control again call 911. They are not going to haul him off to jail. Explain that there are probably medical issues and you suspect dementia. They will take him to the hospital for evaluation. If he is angry enough he may not allow them to give you any information. This does not mean you can’t give them information. Demand to talk with someone. Tell them what is happening, that you and your mom do not feel safe. Ask for a mental health evaluation. You will need to be firm. Good luck.
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My mother nearly did, but he threatened her, and I said we should just leave. I do not know what to do now. I am very scared. I am wondering if I am going to have to leave my home. Trouble is, he does not think there is anything wrong, and that it is all my moms and sometimes my fault for the way he feels and acts.
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Please stop the ‘nearly did’. Call 911 and insist he be taken in to be evaluated. He is a danger to you and your mother. Also, try to get some audio or video of these rages so you can show what he is doing. I’m sure he is sweet as pie as soon as he has to be and can control himself for limited periods of time.
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okay, I did not realize I can ask for an evalution, I am not sure how our local cops can do this. He was threatening if we call the cops, siad there would be big trouble.
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The more trouble he gives the police, the better. Explain to them he has dementia + he is being violent. He is taken to the ER whereupon you tell them he is a danger to you and you want him evaluated in a Geri- psych ward + refuse to bring him home, no matter what they say.
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HI Sunpoppy,
I am so sory it has come to this point, but you definitely need to step away and call 911 and explain the situation and get him to the ER. frm there you can tell them what has been happening. UNless you have a Release of Information (ROI) completed they may not be able to talk to you unless you can get Dad to sign off on it. If your Mom is still able to be with you then SHE may still be able to talk to the staff about his threat, the confusion and the mood swings. Focus more on fact and tell them clear examples of what youve seen. They can do a evaluation with a psychologist who can determine if there is memory issues and get a faster in motion to see a Neurologist.
Hope you and your mom are safe,
Syndel0 -
@sunpoppy
One strategy that got physicians to address mood and behavior issues without calling 911, thought I came close, was to record dad's behavior. Dad could get his act together if he had an audience or was intimidated by someone which meant his geripsych wouldn't ever see what mom was living with without me sending video footage via the patient portal.
If you don't already have a geripsych, calling 911 for transport to the ER for admission is the safest option.
HB0 -
okay thanks, yes, I do not think he will sign off on anything, and likely the police would just warn him and leave.
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do not call the cops. Call 911 and tell them it’s a medical emergency with a possible dementia aggressive person and that you don’t feel safe. Have them take him to the hospital and admitted to the Geriatric Psychiatric Ward. They will evaluate him and put him on medication to calm him. Tell them he cannot come home because you don’t feel safe. You and your Mom cannot leave him alone. You could be criminally charged with neglect. You and your Mom are in grave danger. Please don’t wait.
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Well here is an update; and a thanks in advance to all who can read through it all, I really need some support, it is hard to talk about this with people, because my dad does not want others to know what is going on. It is mostly the same, my dad fights with my mom almost everyday about her past affairs. He is fixated on them, he keeps saying she left him. He has demanded money from her for any slight her feels she has done, and she has given him money so far, just to keep the peace. He does not seem to think it is odd how he seems to be suddenly obsessed with her past.
I once asked him why all this is suddenly blowing up now some 35+ years later, and if he knew about them. He did, but I guess he did not know the details of them, (the affairs happened in the 1970s and 1980s), he told me when one gets old, they reflect back on their life, and he is and realizes how bad some of the stuff was. It is like he grills my mom about those affairs, and seems learn new details and gets upset over and over again. I know past affairs and other relationship stuff can be bad, but the way he seems to be handling it or not handling it is feels crazy.
He will sit with her, and talk to her calmly, and admit, he is not coping with aging well, and that he digs at her past to deal with it. My mom say he keeps asking her the same things over and over again, and he says he keeps forgetting, and wants to get the timelines straight. My mom has begun drinking too now, to cope with the stress.
He keeps telling me the same things over and over about my moms affairs. I ask him what does he want to do about it now? and he cannot seem to focus on the present or plan much, he is stuck in this loop, and says he just cannot get past it, or accept it. Other times he says he has to just swallow it, and it is a hard pill to swallow. There has been talk of divorce, and both parents want me to go with them. My dad threatened me one night, he may have been drinking, he does now, when he is really upset, saying if I went with my mom, I am siding with the enemy, and our relationship would be over. This really scared me because we have been close all my life. Other times, he places his hands and head near me, lovingly, like he needs me and it feels like he is clinging.
It is hard too, because none of us have nearby friends or family we can talk to or go stay with, and the cost of living in our area is astronomical, rents are crazy expensive, so moving out is almost impossible, unless any of us literally want to live on the streets. If money and housing were not such a problem, I think we would be better able to sort this all out.
He admits he has been mean, and asks if there is something wrong with him, or if it is hormone therapy from his cancer. One day, I found him with his head in his hands, and said he has brain freezes. Another time, he described seeing things in his eyes, like spiderwebs, black spots or something, recently, he has not had that. I also once came upon him on the front porch and he kind of turned around and looked a little stunned, and said something is wrong, or he does not feel like himself. He also once got lost driving on a road, or went a slightly different way than he usually does and got stressed from that. He now does not like driving as far, and does not like going anywhere unfamilar. He rarely goes out alone anymore, and has asked me to go places with him, or to concerts I normally would not go to as much. He also seems intimidated sometimes by other guys, especially younger or bigger and thinks they might beat him up.
He has moments where he says to my mom about this, like he has some awareness something is off with him. He will be nice and warm with my mom, and then after sitting with her for a while, he becomes angry again, and mean to her. They have both gone back and forth like this for months now. Mom and I both suggested talking to his doctors, but he does not. He said to me once he would think about it. It is hard for me to figure, if my dad is being calculating, or if he genuinely is losing some of his mind. It has been so scary and stressful, that I have been prescribed anti-anxiety medication.
He was to have hormone therapy for 2 years; he was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2022, and was to have the injections every 3 months for 2 years. He has had almost double that, and has gone into this year with injections. However, his urologist finally says for him to stop. A nurse told him earlier in this year or late last year he might not get more, but he went back and continued getting shots. He kept going even though he suspected it might be affecting his mood because he fears the cancer returning if he stopped the shots. He does not seem as focused on his mental health but more on his physical health. He wants ed meds, and ordered some of those. He seems focused on having power, strength and control, and get very angry if anybody questions him on anything.
Some more background; his brother just passed this summer at 90 from alztimers, and his sister had it too. His father had an aggressive form of prostate cancer, and passed at 69, so he is afraid of it. He is also freaking out because he will be 80 yrs next year. I cannot imagine living with him like this until he is 90, although his brother lived along time, his last few years were spent in care facilities.
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he needs to see a doctor. He needs a diagnosis to see if it’s the cancer treatment or dementia. Until you have that answer you won’t know how to deal with his behavior and nothing will change. Call his doctor. If he gets aggressive call 911.
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Thanks for your reply, snd yes I agree, he does, but needing and getting him to agree is a whole other thing. He sometimes acknowledges something is wrong, but he stops short of asking about it. He will deflect and just say it is the horrible cheating my mom and the guys she cheated with did, that is casing him to behave this way, and asks me to put myself in his shoes, he sees it as people not understanding him and what he is going through. Only time will tell now, he might be going off the hormone shots, so this may help determine if it was them or if it is something more. It is difficult, I cannot tell him what to do, he gets extremely angry at that, and has shouted at my mom and I once that no one tells him what to do. He likes to be in charge of everything, and does not like any one challenging him. He is even a bit annoyed with his urologist for saying to nurses to stop his hormone treatments. As one might be able to tell, he is very stubborn, and has pride and a big ego. He does not like being wrong, and feels he knows most things, and does not think he needs anybody's input.
The hard thing is here is that I thought dementia was all about a person forgetting everything and everyone, not getting mean, nasty and obsessed with the past the way my dad has. He has become obsessed with posters of things from the 70s and has dozens now. He does not really have difficulty in daily things like getting dressed or anything like how dementia or alztimers is described.
He has intended to clean out an old room to make his room, but he never seems to be able to focus on any one thing for too long. He is also probably a hoarder as well, he has stuff all over the house, and has great difficulty in letting things go. Case in point, he moved a bunch of old clothes out of the room, out onto the front porch to sort thorough. It is now fall, and in a panic before a rainstorm, he dragged bags of it all back inside and into the room. He often does this, and we have gone through this year after year. He says he will sort though the stuff, but often does not sort all of it, and just moves things around. He would play music from the 1970s, and I would see him just standing listening, and other times he would begin to weep about his youth and when he was single.
Only my parents can make their decisions on what they want to do. I have said we all cannot carry on like this, but it is ultimately up to them. My mom has threatened to call the authorities on him, or the police, and he usually begrudgingly backs off. She did contact social services earlier on, and a social worker came out to our home one day to check in on her, but this made things infinitely worse between them, and my dad was very angry about it. The social worker did take notes, though, so there is a record. My dad got very angry and screamed at me for not backing him up when the social worker came and questioned my mom. He saw it as a betrayal on my part. I was going to a doctors appointment with him.
Even though he shouted at me, I went with him to help him, he was nervous and feared he would not remember all to ask. i had made a list of things to discuss with the doctor for him. Later that day, he calmed down and said he would not have blamed me if I left him to go by himself.
We have Kaiser coverage, but they are notorious for poor mental health care, they only focus on physical stuff. My dad is not as concerned with his mental health, he seems to be more focused on ed medications and being physically strong. He has lost a lot of muscle tone, and has gained weight around his middle.
The thing I fear is if we finally manage to get him to a doctor to check out his mental state only for them to just say he is fine, and maybe he is depressed. I think he did once say something about his negative view of aging, and they just said he might be mildly depressed.
That is what Kaiser would probably do. On past visit notes, they consider anybody who appears alert and can talk mentally healthy, and that is as far as they go. They would probably say Charles Manson was fine, since he could speak and seemd alert in interviews. Kaiser does not go into mental health or examine that. Unless one is very obviously out of it, like slurred speeech or something, Kaiser considers everybody mentally healthy, even serial killers, as long as they appear alert. It is very frustrating. So with that, if they did not find anything wrong with my dad mentally, which they probably would not, it would then just reinforce his resistance to any help, and make him trust my mom and I less, and risk him being even angrier at us for it. This is my worst fear. I know this sounds dramatic, but this is my frustration coming through.
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If he has dementia, he has Anosognosia which is a condition characterized by a lack of insight into one's own illness or deficits, making it difficult to recognize that one has a problem. It can result from brain damage, stroke, or degenerative diseases like Alzheimer's or schizophrenia, and is a major reason for treatment non-adherence, such as skipping medication. Unlike simple denial, anosognosia is a biological condition where a person's brain is unable to process the reality of their symptoms. You will never get him to agree. Without a DPOA you can't force him. To get him to go and be tested you need to fib to him. Get his doctor involved and tell him that it's a mandatory physical the insurance requires. Whatever it takes to get him tested for dementia. Otherwise your hands are tied. You could try calling the Alzheimer's toll free number 800-272-3900 for more assistance and resources in their area.
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He has sometimes aknolwledged he feels something is wrong with him, but he cannot bring himself to ask his doctors. I know you are not a mental health doctor, but does it sound like he might have dementia?
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This might be helpful.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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