Really Need Help With My Mom and Dad, Could This be Dementia? Dad’s Behavior

sunpoppy

Hi, I’m 49 and living with both of my aging parents. My dad is almost 80 and has been obsessively bringing up my mom’s past—accusing, interrogating, then apologizing and repeating it again. It started suddenly in early May.

He has also:

Forgotten recent events or where he placed items

Told the same old stories repeatedly

Misremembered dates from decades ago

Seems emotionally fragile—sometimes crying, sometimes aggressive

Is on hormone therapy for prostate cancer

He’s always been intense, but something feels different now. My mom has depression and rarely takes initiative, so I’m in the middle trying to hold things together.

I’m not sure if this is dementia, medication, stress, or something else. Has anyone experienced something like this before a diagnosis?

SusanB-dil

Hi sunpoppy - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

There are so many factors that could be at play here. The only way to really find out is probably through a neurologist. If you can't go direct due to insurance, hopefully his primary care can refer him. It could be any of what you mentioned, or even a thyroid, hormone, or vitamin imbalance.

If there is aggression and you do feel threatened, you can call 9-1-1, explain the situation, and request a geri-psych evaluation.

Also make sure paperwork is in order (for both your folks) - DPOA and HIPAA accesses.

H1235

I’ve attached a staging tool that can give you an idea of some common symptom. But I agree with Susan, it’s best to have him seen by a doctor. If you think he will be mad at you for bringing up your concerns with the doctor you could bring in a note. I would not trust him to report what is happening. People with dementia often don’t recognize their own symptoms (very frustrating).

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

sunpoppy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/247139#Comment_247139

Hi Susan, thank you so much for the kind and thoughtful response — it really means a lot right now.

I agree there are many layers to what’s happening. My dad has been on hormone therapy for prostate cancer since 2022, and over time I’ve noticed his emotional state and memory really start to decline. He has intense hot flashes, gets confused more easily, repeats the same stories, misplaces things, and sometimes forgets recent events. He also fixates on my mom’s past in a way that’s obsessive, and he swings between emotional outbursts and moments of deep regret or confusion. Sometimes he seems aware something is wrong, and other times he doesn’t.

We haven’t been able to get him seen by a neurologist yet, but I’ll try to go through his primary care doctor as you suggested. That’s a great point about making sure all the paperwork is in order too — we’re definitely behind on that.

Does this kind of behavior sound like early dementia to you? I know you’re not a doctor, but I’d appreciate hearing from someone who’s seen this up close.

I’m really grateful for this space — I’ve felt very alone in this, and it helps so much to know others understand.

Warmly,
sunpoppy

psg712

Hi sunpoppy,

Any of the mental and emotional changes you mentioned can be connected with dementia. But don't let the doctors discount the effects of the androgen deprivation therapy that your dad takes for his prostate cancer. I work in cancer care (as a nurse) and see many men on these hormone blocking treatments struggle with hot flashes, depression and some memory loss.

Your dad may have dementia mixed in with the effects of his hormone blocking therapy. You will need a doctor willing to look at all sides of this complex situation. I wish you the best as you work to help your parents.

sunpoppy

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/247148#Comment_247148

Thank you so much for this response — it really helps. It’s reassuring to hear from someone in cancer care who has seen these kinds of side effects from androgen deprivation therapy. My dad has continued the hormone shots longer than originally prescribed because he’s afraid the cancer will return if he stops. I’ve noticed a gradual increase in hot flashes, depression, emotional volatility, and some memory issues. It’s been hard to know what’s from the treatment and what might be something more like dementia. He’s also really resistant to seeing anyone other than his oncologist. Your message gave me some clarity and helped me feel a little less alone. Thank you again.

harshedbuzz

@sunpoppy

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

I had a similar experience with my dad. He went undiagnosed a long time; I noticed symptoms of emotional changes as early as 2005 and memory issues by 2008. He was already medicated for depression long before these changes. His mental incapacity increased at a fairly show rate. He had a recurrence of prostate cancer and began ADT in 2016. It did seem to have a significant drop with the initial Lupron injection but we were told by doctor's that it was likely coincidence or moving him local to where I live. I did a little digging and found this:

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2016/10/common-prostate-cancer-treatment-linked-to-later-dementia.html

That said, I would start with his PCP to start the evaluation process. A PCP can order bloodwork and imaging to rule out other things as well as a quick in-office memory test. It can take close to a year to be seen by neurology, so it's best to start with the PCP.

FWIW, dad also had a vitamin deficiency and improved for a time when that was treated until his Alzheimer's progressed and he began drinking again. When mom showed some signs, her bloodwork showed Lyme Disease; she also improved with treatment.

HB

sunpoppy

Well, the cycle of arguing, interrogating and then making up continue between my mom and dad. My dad will be caring and show concern for my mom, then a few days later, he is taunting her, and angry at her again. He has demanded a paternity test. He flip flops between staying together, and separation, and divorce. He cannot stop flip flopping between care and concern, and then anger at my moms past affairs. I just would like it all to end.

He is also more forgetful of things; misplaces things more now, and almost forgot a doctors appointment until I reminded him, I also had it written on a calendar. He has always been a bit disorganized, but more so now. Is this early dementia? or is is past trauma, or narcissism? he is due to go off his hormone therapy next year. If it is hormones, will he revert back to his more normal self? My hands are tied behind my back at the moment in terms of telling or asking his doctors now, he would be very angry with me. His doctors only look at physical things, and in regards to his hormone therapy, they only look at PSA, nothing else to indicate progress. They like it low, and his low testosterone too, is very low. He asked about rasing it, but they go no, it would be like adding more fire fuel for the cancer. I wish there was a better way to treat it.

We also got into a major argument one day, because he nearly backed into a car behind him, misjudging thinking there was a parking spot there when it was another car over. He has more trouble with driving, and in general, is very impatient and has outbursts of anger.

On top of all this, his late brother, who was about a decade older than him, has passed at 90 from dementia., with a messy and disorganized estate. He was in a care home. My dads mother also had cognitive issues and passed from dementia.

This has all been so stressful, I may end up on aniti anxiety meds when all is said and done.

SDianeL

we understand the stress. Without a diagnosis it’s very difficult to know how to proceed. He needs to be seen by a doctor. I would call the doctors office and tell them about the behaviors and that he needs at least a blood work up and memory test. Tell your Dad that it’s required. If you don’t have HIPPA forms the doctor won’t be able to discuss with you but maybe you can go in with your Dad. Meanwhile read the book “The 36 Hour Day” about dementia. Search online for dementia caregiving videos. You will learn techniques to help him. Try to get him to an Elder Care Attorney for a DPOA so you can make decisions for him. Tell him you are getting one done too just in case. If your Dad has dementia he should no longer be driving because if he’s in an accident he could be sued and lose everything. His insurance could also refuse to pay. Please keep us posted. 💜

Merla

I noticed behavioral, emotional and social changes in my parents years before I saw changes in her memory or forgetfulness. I read a book, Thoughtful Dementia Care and some other resources. In my moms case and in many cases the smoking gun is short term memory loss is repeating themselves but having no memory of having having said what they said earlier in the same conversation. Ie asking the same question multiple times in one conversation but not registering at all that they asked it previously or if it is the type of question one is unlikely to forget. Ie how did you injure your leg?

However a lot of the early Changes were like the ones you described in nature. Like I'd find myself asking myself how is it that I've found myself with the most difficult unreasonable yet self righteous person, unempathetic person in the world?

I would think hormonal changes could cause mood changes so potentially your dads case may have multiple factors and hopefully isn't dementia though I hate to say it, but it very well could be.

sunpoppy

He is now going from cycles of rage and tenderness. He gets angry a lot now, and has crying fits and anger. Doctors are unless, all they look at is physical symptoms. There is no way I can notify them without him finding out, and he would be enraged at me. I do not feel safe in my home anymore, I got into a huge fight with him, and he tried to grab me, and throw a water bottle at me. I am also weary of getting any kind of legal power or care for him, because they might obligate me to stay in my home with him. He also get enraged at my mother, and was drinking and threw an empty bottle at her, and raged about her past affair that happened a long time ago.

H1235

If he gets out of control again call 911. They are not going to haul him off to jail. Explain that there are probably medical issues and you suspect dementia. They will take him to the hospital for evaluation. If he is angry enough he may not allow them to give you any information. This does not mean you can’t give them information. Demand to talk with someone. Tell them what is happening, that you and your mom do not feel safe. Ask for a mental health evaluation. You will need to be firm. Good luck.

sunpoppy

My mother nearly did, but he threatened her, and I said we should just leave. I do not know what to do now. I am very scared. I am wondering if I am going to have to leave my home. Trouble is, he does not think there is anything wrong, and that it is all my moms and sometimes my fault for the way he feels and acts.

terei

Please stop the ‘nearly did’. Call 911 and insist he be taken in to be evaluated. He is a danger to you and your mother. Also, try to get some audio or video of these rages so you can show what he is doing. I’m sure he is sweet as pie as soon as he has to be and can control himself for limited periods of time.

sunpoppy

okay, I did not realize I can ask for an evalution, I am not sure how our local cops can do this. He was threatening if we call the cops, siad there would be big trouble.

terei

The more trouble he gives the police, the better. Explain to them he has dementia + he is being violent. He is taken to the ER whereupon you tell them he is a danger to you and you want him evaluated in a Geri- psych ward + refuse to bring him home, no matter what they say.

SyndelFuego

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250873#Comment_250873

HI Sunpoppy,

I am so sory it has come to this point, but you definitely need to step away and call 911 and explain the situation and get him to the ER. frm there you can tell them what has been happening. UNless you have a Release of Information (ROI) completed they may not be able to talk to you unless you can get Dad to sign off on it. If your Mom is still able to be with you then SHE may still be able to talk to the staff about his threat, the confusion and the mood swings. Focus more on fact and tell them clear examples of what youve seen. They can do a evaluation with a psychologist who can determine if there is memory issues and get a faster in motion to see a Neurologist.

Hope you and your mom are safe,
Syndel

harshedbuzz

@sunpoppy

One strategy that got physicians to address mood and behavior issues without calling 911, thought I came close, was to record dad's behavior. Dad could get his act together if he had an audience or was intimidated by someone which meant his geripsych wouldn't ever see what mom was living with without me sending video footage via the patient portal.

If you don't already have a geripsych, calling 911 for transport to the ER for admission is the safest option.

HB

sunpoppy

okay thanks, yes, I do not think he will sign off on anything, and likely the police would just warn him and leave.

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250873#Comment_250873

do not call the cops. Call 911 and tell them it’s a medical emergency with a possible dementia aggressive person and that you don’t feel safe. Have them take him to the hospital and admitted to the Geriatric Psychiatric Ward. They will evaluate him and put him on medication to calm him. Tell them he cannot come home because you don’t feel safe. You and your Mom cannot leave him alone. You could be criminally charged with neglect. You and your Mom are in grave danger. Please don’t wait.