lost

Hi Paty and welcome. Your dad is sending a clear signal that he can't handle this. Is he perhaps having cognitive charges of his own? that may be something to consider.

If finances allow, it may be a kindness to your mom to make other living arrangements for her so that she is not subjected to abusive behavior by your dad. It sounds like you and your sibs need to meet with a certified elder law attorney so that one of you has durable power of attorney for your mother's care (as well as your dad's, eventually) and finances, and you may want to start investigating assisted living or memory care facilities. Unfortunately, you cannot force him to be a dementia caregiver if he doesn't have the capacity to do it.

Paty,

You are right. This is really hard. You mention that you have family to take care of. A good while back, my husband and I had responsibility for his parents while we were raising three very active teens. My husband's sister had died several years earlier, so we were it as far as immediate family was concerned. My mother-in-law was terminally ill with cancer, and my father-in-law was in the later stages of Parkinson's disease, complete with dementia. They tried their best to take care of each other, but it just couldn't be done. Someone directed us to a semi-retired elder lawyer who was wonderful. We didn't have much money, so he mapped out a strategy for getting finances in order and arranging care, and he had us do the footwork to keep the cost down. That gentleman was an angel! My father-in-law had to go to the nursing home, and we brought my mother-in-law to live with us for about a month until she passed away. There were church friends and extended family who helped us, and our children also wanted to help as much as they could. My husband took family leave for a short time to take care of his mother. But Alzheimer's is different. Fast forward to the present. Both of my parents have dementia. A year and a half ago, they were living on their own, driving their car, and being fairly independent. However, something wasn't right, and we discovered late in 2022 that my Dad was already into Alzheimer's, edging into the middle stages. Mom tried to take care of him, but Alzheimer's seems to change constantly, and she was at a stage of mild cognitive impairment that made it difficult for her to adapt to those changes. She could not do all the things necessary to keep Dad safe, and she was so worn out that her own cognitive abilities were being affected even more. Dad was sundowning, and after we would all leave for the day, he would wake Mom up, insisting that he heard and saw people who weren't there. That is hard, and if a spouse says that he cannot take care of his wife I would believe him. Begin with a good lawyer experienced in dealing with the elderly. Find out what your insurance will cover. One thing that we lacked at first was a social worker to help us walk through this, but now my parents' insurance provides that kind of help. Research your options--caring at home, assisted living, memory care, etc. The longer that you wait if you need long-term care, the fewer your options. Some very good places in our state won't take new residents if their dementia is too advanced. On the other hand, those same facilities will keep current residents, even if they get into very advanced stages, as long as they are not a danger to themselves or others. Of course, finances are also a factor. My parents actually saved money for the very situation that they found themselves in, and they both decided to move together to a smaller assisted living facility in their own community. They know several of the residents and have connections with many of the workers. They get excellent care, but because it isn't a nursing home or an official memory care facility (even though it does a lot of memory care), we provide extra support from time to time. Dad has advanced quickly and has broken his neck twice. However, it is a good balance for us because we can be actively involved in our parents' care while not having to be there 24/7. And it is the only place where our parents could be without being separated into different wings or buildings. That angel of a lawyer once asked us, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer, "One bite at a time." It has taken me over a year to get everything to a place that feels as comfortable as possible for me. I get advice, make lists, prioritize, and make some time for myself, my husband, and my kids and grandkids. Some of the lists took months to complete, but it certainly felt good once I got it all accomplished. Again, this is really difficult, but there are resources to help you do what is best for you and your family. Let us know how it goes.

@Patyh75

I am so sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. I wonder if your dad is having some sort of cognitive changes himself. While many spouses would love some free hands-on care from their adult children, I have never heard of a parent wishing to burden his children with all of the care of the spouse.

I have to completely disagree with @VKB's "at home is best" sentiment. That's nonsense in a situation where your mom is being neglected and potentially abused at home. And a little insulting to those of us who were forced by circumstances to place our LOs. If you and your sibs cannot take on the custodial care of mom, I would see a CELA about having one of you assume POA or guardianship and placing her in a quality MCF.

HB

I respect VKB's desire to keep a loved one at home, but I cannot say it is "best" for every PWD and family. Although we have the dementia caregiving experience in common, no two situations are exactly alike. The PWD is not the only person with needs to consider, and even if family agrees on keeping her home, sometimes it is not healthy or safe. Carefully-researched placement, with ongoing involvement and support by the family, can be as much an act of love as home caregiving.