Mother gave my brother and sister-in-law POA and all legal powers but they don’t want to do anything

pazrichards

Hello all- I am new to this community. My mother is in the process of her diagnosis and it has been hell. She has been diagnosed with “Mild Cognitive Impairment” but the MRI shows severe damages from silent strokes. She failed her driver license exam because of 4 critical driving errors (1 CDE disqualifies you). She has told none that she has failed. We learned it through the car insurance because my dad removed himself as a driver (he surrendered his DL) due to his medical situation.

I have had to watch her fight everyone along the way and alienate me completely. She, irrationally blames me for all of it (which is a symptom of her disease) and has convinced my brother and sister-in-law that this is all my doing: loss of driver license and the “bad” MRI. She missed her PET scan w/contrast and I tracked her wandering around town. She can’t remember the name of the tests that she has to do and can’t organize doctor appointments. And the rage is completely directed to me! It is absolutely frightening how she has schemed and manipulated people that don’t see her everyday into believing her narrative. I work from home and live next door to her and have had to suffer the knowledge of her decline.

I am currently taking care of my father (her husband) because she was mistreating him and APS was called in to assist the situation. She did it twice, the second time was in the hospital and the staff had to escort her out of the hospital at 3am because she would not stop badgering him and threatening to harm him if he didn’t sign legal papers to “get rid of me” and prevent me from “taking care of him”. The whole situation is fraught legally and culminates into extreme emotions with my father, my mother and myself. For my health, I have completely disassociated myself from her. If she enters a room- I leave. Now, she is not allowed in my home because we have caught her sneaking in when I leave. She takes the opportunity to badger and threaten my father. My daughter heard him screaming for help and threatened to call the police if my mother wouldn’t leave immediately. She left begrudgingly and threatened my daughter. Now my daughters will not allow me to leave the house.

This is my question: my brother and sister-in-law do not want to accept the situation. I know I cannot care for her because I am taking care of my father (who is thriving under my close care) and she has signed papers that block me from interfering with her care. Do I just let it go and not tell my brother? Because, I know, my brother and sister-in-law have no desire to care for my mother- so who will be in charge? They are under the impression that she is able to take care of herself and all this stuff that is happening is my fault and for some nefarious reason.

My lawyer says that I am free and clear. But, my father worries about her constantly and has made me promise to step in when she needs help. I DON’T WANT TO!!! And I just don’t think my husband and daughters will allow it because of all the trauma she has inflicted on us. I feel that every time my dad makes me promise- I am lying. How do I manage his care and still take care of myself?

Who is legally responsible for her? A year ago, I had POA but she removed me recently and replaced me with my brother and sister-in-law. I am terrified that I will have the burden of taking care of her without legal documents supporting that burden.

She still thinks she is perfectly able to drive and take care of herself. She refuses to believe the diagnosis (anosognosia). And when she is “sundowning”, she likes to badger my father and me. My father vacillates between guilt and anger over my mom.

Thank you for any advice in advance.

jfkoc

That is really a lot to deal with emotionally and physically.

The first thing I would check to see is if the POA's you discuss are durable. If they are not and your mother is in the condition you post then it is likely that neither is valid. You need to also check to see if the first POA was revoked.

If you mother is not able to function on her own then a call to protective services is warranted. Not to worry. Reporters are anonymous.

H1235

I think adult protective services might be the way to go too. Let a professional tell your brother he needs to step up and you can worry about taking care of your dad.

terei

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199626#Comment_199626

Usually just drawing up a new, more recently dated POA automatically revokes any prior ones. A prior POA may be mentioned in the new one, to avoid confusion, but legally, the most recent POA is the valid one. If your lawyer says you are no longer the POA, you arent.

Whatever you tell your father to appease him, there is no way you should try to manage your mother. If your brother does not want to take care of the problem, he should call APS

Bunnyboo

Call protective services and let them know what is going on. Do not put yourself in my position, and don't let guilt rule you. Your Mother needs to be placed that is a definite fact. Sorry, but this disease is a cruel disease.

M1

Welcome to the forum, and sorry you are in such a difficult situation. The physical proximity makes it so much harder I'm sure. And you are completely right to NOT take on her caregiving unless you also have POA. Since APS is already familiar with her, I would keep calling until they take some definitive action. It does sound like a situation in which an outside paid professional (like a guardian at litem) might be helpful. I would quiz them for their ideas about how to keep her off your property since you live next door.

I wouldn't worry too much about what you tell your dad. Tell him whatever you need to to give comfort.

SusanB-dil

I agree with what's been posted... just wanted to add that with brother as POA, to go with what your lawyer has said. You are not responsible for her and her actions. Everyone may just have to wait for the proverbial shoe to drop for your brother to see that she is not as capable as he thinks.

One major concern is her driving. She may injure an innocent party or herself. Given diagnosis, and the fact that she has had license revoked, insurance will not have to cover a thing.

Your dad knows the real situation. He is blessed to have you caring for him.

So sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

mabelgirl

We are kindred souls. I’m dealing with my mother who lives with me after moving her from my brothers house where she was not being adequately cared for. I did call APS on my brother and although we moved her before their decision , they were glad to hear she was moved. Now my mother (8 months later) says mean hurtful things to me. Says I’m the one trying to drive her crazy, as there is nothing wrong with her. She has a plethora of accusations against me. Every time she says something I have to tell myself that is Mrs Dementia speaking not my mother. Because of behavior her doctor is recommending a nursing home for safety reasons. I encourage you to call APS as it sounds like headed in the same direction. Prayers you get help.