New Here & Just Trying To Keep Up


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As I recommended to another poster in this forum, professional help in the form of therapy would be helpful here, because you need coping skills in order to continue on.
I will tell you now that you do need to prepare yourself that you will be the sole person taking care of your mother's affairs, because the neighbor will tire of doing all they are doing and so will your father.
Because of the cost of placement, she may end up having to move to Georgia if their Medicaid process is easier, but you will have to shoulder that application process since her current assistance is in Florida.
I am not sure what your sister's challenges are in preventing her from assistance, but unless she is disabled, I would suggest therapy for her also - again for coping skills in dealing with being the caregiver/advocate for someone who is cognitively impaired. Somehow, someone will need to step up and be responsible, and your mother's friend and your dad do not have any legal responsibility to do that.1 -
Yes, it’s awfully hard, and yes, the people on this forum really do understand. I don’t have your exact situation, but a lot of what you say is very familiar to me: the sense of overwhelm, the frustration about the constant, well-meaning but unhelpful calls and texts, the sheer quantity of things to be done from another state, the worry about cost. Very, very familiar. (I was managing my father’s declining situation from several states away; he is near me now and his house is sold, and although that was a super-heavy lift and the dementia is getting increasingly worse, things overall are so much easier now.)
A few observations:
After I became DPOA, I created an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of all the bills; I created a new email address through which to manage my father’s business; I sent all the online account info. through that. I kept lists of the good repair companies in my dad’s location: plumber, HVAC, electrician. etc. I communicated with his doctor via MyChart and phone. When visiting, and over time, I went to every bank, insurance agent, etc. to show my DPOA document in person and to meet people. My dad lived in a small town, and from time to time I really needed help or basic advice. These people came through for me and for him.
Also, I eventually gave his neighbor’s phone number a special ringtone on my phone, so I could know it was her and could call back at my own convenience; I had to quit responding promptly to every text message. Saying “I am busy at work during the day” just resulted in a barrage of phone calls and texts at 5:00 pm. I wish I could tell you that I have a good solution for that one. It really only stopped after I moved my dad and sold the house.
For a while I hired some in-home assistance. I had much better luck with an agency than with a private person. The agency handled their own employee taxes, vacation coverage, etc. (The person I hired privately was texting me up to 20 times in a 4-hour shift and sometimes just didn’t show up for work. It was hard even to know what she was doing because I was far away.)
I wish you all the best. This is really, really hard. Don’t try to do everything at once. That is not possible. Work on what matters most. You will get to other things in time.
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Hello,
First let me say, you are a wonderful daughter and that your are doing your best! 2nd, feeling overwhelmed is normal. Please find a way to take care of yourself first- yoga, walks, whatever activity makes you feel whole. If you don't have one, please find one.
You can only take one thing at a time.
This message is also for myself, because I too deal with the overwhelming feelings you mention.
I don't have all the answers most days, talking with family is tough, and watching your loved one struggle is the pits.
Just keep doing your best!
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Thank you so much for your feedback! I’ve since gotten power of attorney and have been navigating steps to get her moved to a memory care facility here in GA closer to me. I am glad you mentioned needing to prepare myself for becoming the sole person though because i have been leaning on her best friend and my dad ALOT to help navigate things that i don’t really understand. I don’t know how i could do this without them and this was a reality check, that i will have to at some point and most likely sooner than later.
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Thank you for updating us. You have made enormous progress since you last posted. I know that there is always so much more to do that even major steps forward can feel like not enough, but do please stop and congratulate yourself for becoming POA and beginning to consider moving options. Those are big steps in practical (and emotional) terms. You are doing well by your mom. I hope you are getting rest and finding some ways to have joy in your life. This whole awful Alzheimer’s caregiving experience is a long journey; I am still learning to pace myself after several years of it!
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First, I want to tell you you are doing a great job and please remember to give yourself some grace. I want to share a couple of resources in the Atlanta area that I think could be really helpful for you. I live in PA but my parents live in Peachtree City, GA. While my mom has been my dad’s caregiver for the last few years in their home, it is not a natural role for her and she counts on me to make decisions about my dad’s care. Earlier this year it became evident that it was no longer safe or feasible for her to continue to care for him at home. It quickly became an emergency situation and I needed to find a care facility for him in a very short time. Very challenging to do from afar. These two resources in Atlanta were invaluable. The Piedmont Healthcare system has a program for seniors called Sixty Plus. Within that program, there is a dementia support program. Here is a link:
This program has been invaluable for my family. They will connect you with a social worker. My mother attends a caregiver support group run by them monthly. This would be a great place for you to get some support from others who are going through exactly what you are.
The second is a non-profit that is completely free and will assign you a Senior Care Advisor who will advise you every step of the way in finding care for your mother. They are extremely knowledgeable about the options for care in the greater Atlanta area and our advisor helped us find an outstanding residential memory care facility for my dad. Here is the website:
https://seniorprovisions.com/services/
I think both of these resources will be helpful to you.3 -
Ohh ErinGrace.. it sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough time. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed with everything that's on your plate right now. It's a lot to handle, especially when you're trying to navigate it all alone. It's okay to feel numb, sad, and stressed.
It's good that your dad, your mom's best friend, and neighbor are helping, but it's also important to find ways to manage the information overload. Maybe you could set specific times to respond to calls and texts, or even ask people to compile updates into a single message. Remember, it's okay to take care of yourself during this challenging time. You can also feel free to leave me a means of reaching out to you.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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