New Here & Just Trying To Keep Up

Yes, it’s awfully hard, and yes, the people on this forum really do understand. I don’t have your exact situation, but a lot of what you say is very familiar to me: the sense of overwhelm, the frustration about the constant, well-meaning but unhelpful calls and texts, the sheer quantity of things to be done from another state, the worry about cost. Very, very familiar. (I was managing my father’s declining situation from several states away; he is near me now and his house is sold, and although that was a super-heavy lift and the dementia is getting increasingly worse, things overall are so much easier now.)

A few observations:

After I became DPOA, I created an Excel spreadsheet to keep track of all the bills; I created a new email address through which to manage my father’s business; I sent all the online account info. through that. I kept lists of the good repair companies in my dad’s location: plumber, HVAC, electrician. etc. I communicated with his doctor via MyChart and phone. When visiting, and over time, I went to every bank, insurance agent, etc. to show my DPOA document in person and to meet people. My dad lived in a small town, and from time to time I really needed help or basic advice. These people came through for me and for him.

Also, I eventually gave his neighbor’s phone number a special ringtone on my phone, so I could know it was her and could call back at my own convenience; I had to quit responding promptly to every text message. Saying “I am busy at work during the day” just resulted in a barrage of phone calls and texts at 5:00 pm. I wish I could tell you that I have a good solution for that one. It really only stopped after I moved my dad and sold the house.

For a while I hired some in-home assistance. I had much better luck with an agency than with a private person. The agency handled their own employee taxes, vacation coverage, etc. (The person I hired privately was texting me up to 20 times in a 4-hour shift and sometimes just didn’t show up for work. It was hard even to know what she was doing because I was far away.)

I wish you all the best. This is really, really hard. Don’t try to do everything at once. That is not possible. Work on what matters most. You will get to other things in time.