How To Be More Empathetic Towards Mom's Dementia Flashbacks

In my opinion your Mom will not benefit from grief therapy. People with dementia can’t remember so therapy may not be effective. If she asks about your Dad she may not remember he passed. I’m not sure what she’s having are flashbacks. Many PWDs are living in the past due to their dementia That becomes their reality. It may come and go. Asking her to let go of Dad does no good. Her brain no longer reasons. If she asks where he is the kindest thing is to fib and say he’s somewhere else and will be back. You might need to repeat that answer many times. Also, she should no longer be left alone. She would not know what to do in an emergency. She could wander off. She should not be driving. She could hurt or kill someone or herself. Her insurance may not pay if she’s in an accident and she could be sued and lose everything. Try disabling the car or parking it somewhere else and tell her it’s in the shop. Learn to fib to her. If you are not able or willing to care for her 24/7, please plan to place her in a memory care facility which she will soon need. Her safety is the main concern. Please discuss with your sister and make a plan together. Did you get a chance to read the book “The 36 Hour Day? It helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. We understand how difficult this is.

@Penn34

I haven’t seen anyone here telling you to forget your needs to take care of mom. What I have seen is the opposite: people here think that the only way you are going to get your emotional needs filled is to stop being mom’s 24:7 caregiver. You want a social life - that’s a normal need for anyone, especially for a 30 something adult. But there is no advice that we can give you about how to get a social life when you are a 24/7 caregiver who doesn’t drive and doesn’t have caregiving help, Because in order to have a social life you have to leave your house on a regular basis.

You don’t want to listen to our advice about stopping your mom from driving because it’s convenient for you that she drives- even though she may kill someone if she forgets to follow rules of the road. There is no help we can offer for getting groceries if you are not in an area that offers bus or Uber transportation or grocery delivery.
You end your suster need to talk to a certified elder care lawyer about applying for Medicaid for your mother and just what that entails. Because you heed a plan B for the future because you’ve made it plain that you no longer want to be a 24:7 chargiver- and that’s totally understandable given your mental and emotional needs. However I don’t think your sister intends to be either. Even though she’s building a house.

People don't know you or the details of your life. You've been living with the reality of dementia caregiving for quite a while.

No one has the answer for you. You know that.

Getting annoyed that people haven't figured out a problem when they don't know your life is ridiculous.

My mom isn't a bad person. When I described things she has done in the past to people, I've heard, 'You may not be able to see it, but your mother is NOT a good person and let X,Y, Z happen to you.' I know my mom made mistakes, and I also know this rando online means well, but they don't know all the tiny details that make up her life and perception. They don't know why she is the way she is. I do.

So I do the online version of 'smile and nod' while I look over any other posts that may have wisdom to give. Odds are no, but I look just in case.

This isn't personalized tailored fashion. It's searching a thrift store where you may find gold or absolutely nothing. Look if you want to, you may stumble upon something great.